‘Did you know tooth decay is the scariest thing to a vampire?’ If you are looking for scary yet funny jokes and puns to spook your loved ones during the Halloween season, you just landed in the right place!
Best Scary Jokes and Puns
Search no further for those scary skeleton jokes and puns to tickle your funniest bone. Share with friends these fun-filled jokes to create good memories. We hope our collection of scary jokes and puns will induce a burst of belly-cracking laughter and not be too frightening to scare you away before the end of this ride.
1. A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier…
2. This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
3. My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house.
4. As the world can communicate freely online directly to anyone, we find ourselves in virtual information abundance, spoiled for choice!
5. What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
6. Tell someone that you love them today, because life is short…
7. The sentence “I’m aware” isn’t very scary.
8. What do scary pandas eat?
9. Two costumes are gonna be super popular this year: Donald Trump and Scary Clown.
10. A scary thing to do to your girlfriend on Halloween…
11. Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.
12. My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
13. I hate driving through tunnels [OC]. They’re always so dark and scary. My hands always start shaking whenever I’m driving through one with my mates.
14. Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading the newspaper. Roms, antisemitic hate crimes and it’s just depressing and scary, here on the other hand” he says while showing his friend the frontpage ”
15. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
16. Brett Favre reveals ‘scary’ memory loss.
17. Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, “Let’s put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!”.
18. Had a great swim along the beach in Bali. Perfect visibility and tons of coral. I saw a colorful but scary-looking thing attached to a rock and waving in the gentle current.
19. What’s the best thing you can do if you’re feeling lonely?
20. I’ve been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink…
21. What is hot and scary at the same time?
22. Boo! Sorry, I guess that isn’t very scary.
23. What’s scarier than a scary movie?
24. A pedophile was taking a small child into the woods at night…
25. What’s the best dessert you can have alone after watching a scary movie?
26. My great grandfather and grandfather both have Alzheimer’s.
27. What do you call a big, prejudiced, scary clown?
28. Bad musicians can be scary.
29. Why was Tom scared of making friends?
30. An old man and a young boy are walking through a forest at night.
31. Do you want to know the scariest mathematics joke?
32. What is the best way to eat chips ahoy cookies?
33. Why was the fart scary?
34. Robert Johnson, the CEO of a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white-collar crimes. An older man, who looked to be in his 60s, motioned the CEO over and invited him to sit, to which he obliges. The older man says “my name is Walt. Son, I can see how nervous you are, but try and relax. Daily life on the inside isn’t nearly as scary as you’ve seen in the movies. There’ll be some bad days, but for the most part, it’s relatively peaceful.” Robert thanks him and takes a deep breath and starts eating his lunch.
About 5 minutes pass by and another prisoner stands up and yells “23!” The entire chow hall breaks out into laughter. Robert looks around, slightly startled. A few minutes later another prisoner stands up and yells “16!” Again, laughter breaks out. Another 5 minutes pass and someone stands up and yells “144!” The prison is almost hysterical with laughter, even the guards are starting to laugh. Understandably, this confuses Robert so he asks Walt “what’s going on? Why is everyone laughing over numbers?” Walt replies “you see, most of us are here for life. At this point, we’ve heard every joke in the book a million times. So, to save time, we have decided to number every joke. When someone stands up and yells a number, we know which joke they’re referring to, and it makes us laugh.”
35. What starts with T and ends in X and adults are the most scared of it?
36. You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear?
37. What’s empty-headed and orange and always tries to be scary?
38. Someone started choking in the Starbucks line.
39. Yo momma so ugly
40. Why am I scared of french pastry chefs?
41. Unlike Stephen King’s stories, there is nothing scary about his son.
42. My printer started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille.
43. If there was a scary Halloween dessert that kept coming back, what would you call it?
44. A funeral procession crawls through the center of town. At the front is the hearse carrying the coffin. Behind this is a man with a big grin on his face and holding a leash that is attached to a big scary-looking dog. Behind him are hundreds of mourners, except they’re all men. An onlooker approaches the man with the dog and asks, “excuse me, who is in the hearse?”
“My mother-in-law” the man chuckles.
“Oh really? Well, that explains the grin. But what’s with the dog?”
“Oh, the dog killed her.”
“The dog killed her?”
“Yes. I’ve trained the dog to kill mothers-in-law. It’s awesome.”
“Wow.” “I know right.” “So… um…” “Mhm?”
45. Do you like punchlines about scary cows?
46. Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says.
47. What makes cheese Frankenstein so scary?
48. I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen….
49. Why are Halloween French pastries so scary?
50. What do you call a scary person who likes to rip things?
51. What happened when the lady didn’t pay her exorcist on Halloween?
52. North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary….
53. Where do ghosts mostly trick-or-treat?
54. Two men get into a car wreck…
Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive.
“Thanks for that drink, sir,” the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. “That was pretty scary.”
55. What kind of keys do ghosts use for unlocking scary doors?
56. I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.
57. What are vampires scared of most of the time?
58. What did the package say to the scary 18-wheeler?
59. What would you call the spiders who married on Halloween?
60. I’m not sure what is scarier these days,
61. What do ghosts clean their hair with?
62. I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.
63. What happened to the ghost who got lost in the fog?
64. One night I was walking home through a dark street.
65. Why do vampires love baseball?
66. A man was walking home one night when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise. On his way to his house, he locked his door, but the casket managed to break its way in. Terrified, the man continued upstairs, where he locked himself in. Looking around for anything that could help him, anything at all, he grabbed a bottle of cough drops.
67. What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
68. Late at night I jabbed my wife in the dark and said, ” You’re it.”
69. What’s long, hard, and scary when you first see it?
70. What do ya call a scary movie about your zodiac sign?
71. You know what’s scary about a white man in prison?
72. The Stuttering Cat.
This is always the most successful joke I tell. Maybe you guys will like it. A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th-grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.” The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. “Well,” she began “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!” “That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.
73. Son: Dad… This movie is so scary… Is that woman going to die?
74. Two cows are grazing next to each other in a field…One cow says to the other, “The news is so scary with all this talk of mad cow disease, it really has me worried”
75. My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house.
76. What do you call a scary fruit?
77. A big, scary-looking biker walks into a bar.
He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says “what’ll ya have?” The biker says “gimme a beer.” The bartender hands him a beer, and says “that’ll be 3.50.” The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.
The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it continues for a couple of weeks until one day, the biker decides to pay with a 5-dollar bill.
The bartender is relieved to not have to pick up 350 pennies this evening, and she decides to give the biker a taste of his own medicine. She gets 150 pennies, drops them in front of the biker and says “your change, big boy!”
78. If you think that your computer, laptop, and phone spying on you is scary then think again,
79. You think birds are scary?
80. Being a baby must be scary.
81. Do You think dinosaurs are scary?
82. What makes people run but isn’t scary?
83. A wolf, a lion, and a little pig are having a discussion.
The wolf proudly says: I am the scariest animal in the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.
The lion smirks and says: do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle and the scariest. When I roar, all the animals flee into the jungle.
84. As soon as that baby hits, you get these scary mailings that say stuff like, ‘Congratulations, new dad! Now, what about life insurance, disability, and college funds? What if they get sick, Dad? Think of the future, Dad.’
85. It must be scary dating an adult film star
86. Scary Story. It seemed like an average Tuesday night. The roads were quiet outside, and rain was beginning to pour down hard. Things were going pretty slowly until a friend of mine burst through the door, but there was something off about him. There he stood, motionless in the dark, his piercing stare not leaving me. After a moment or two, he began to slowly peel his own skin off. Blood dripped slowly from his lips, and I had to ask him with the most courage I could muster:
87. What kind of music is scary for balloons?
88. That “Born to Be Wild” song is actually pretty scary.
89. The blue tarmac on my city’s roads is scary……
90. One cow asked the other, “Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary”.
91. Scientists have discovered a new planet made entirely out of scary monsters!
92. What do you call a really scary horse that only appears after the sun has set?
93. What’s orange, empty-headed, and tries to be scary?
94. Dude, that scary clown followed us to Wales.
95. The camping story.
96. What do you call it when a group of people survives a deadly plane crash?
97. A homicidal rapist is holding hands with a little girl.
They are walking through a dense and eerie forest at night. Sounds of owls, wolves and other animals echo around.
98. I had a scary dream last night.
I dreamed that I woke up dead.
99. Every Girl Wants A Guy
Who Hugs Her When They’re Watching A Scary Or Romantic Movie,
Who Gives Her His Jacket Even When He Himself Is Feeling Cold,
100. The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen.
He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me…
101. When is a turkey scary?
102. I always said that I would never ever go walking in dark scary tunnels on the earth.
103. When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano.
104. What’s the difference between a homeless clown and a scary clown?
105. World’s shortest scary story
106. It would be really scary if politicians worked shift work
107. Who lives in an old dumpster near KFC?
(Blackbob Niggerpants!)
Obnoxious and scary “gangasta” is he
(Blackbob Niggerpants!)
If Newport and Malt liquors are something you wish
(Blackbob Niggerpants!)
108. Why is no one scared the day before turning ten?
109. A child and a child molester walk into a forest together.
110. You know what’s a scary thought?
111. Why are scary movies always in creepy places like jails and hospitals?
112. “Clean up on aisle 13”
113. What’s comforting and scary at the same time?
114. My iPhone battery dies quicker than
115. My girlfriend likes it when I dress up as scary clown when we get intimate
116. Why is six afraid of seven?
Six hasn’t been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy’s faces when they walked into that village and… oh Jesus. He shouldn’t think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex’s slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn’s cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now… he knows that. It’s–it’s just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him… it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he’s back there… In the jungle… In the darkness.
117. What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite scary movie?
118. When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
119. My first sexual experience was scary…
120. Did you hear the Spice Girls are putting on a reunion tour? Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and Baby Spice are all on board, but Ginger Spice turned them down.
121. What do scary pandas eat?
122. The scary thing about watch dogs 3 is the fact
123. Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.
124. My friend wanted a scary movie recommendation
125. When is a turkey scary?
126. There’s a scary library in my town……
127. What has four legs, and two mouths, is very scary, and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?
128. The internet is a scary place. It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this
129. What do girls fear that’s big, scary, and pink?
130. Two guys are sitting on a couch watching a reality cop show. One of them says: “World outside is so brutal, Jesus Christ, so violent and scary. I don’t think I can go outside ever again.”
131. I always hear about how scary deep sea fish are…
132. I had a nightmare last night that my Tik Tok account was deleted
133. Two costumes are gonna be super popular this year: Donald Trump and Scary Clown.
134. 3 guys checked into the hotel
Their room was on the 45th floor and the administrator 1warned them that the elevator works just till 12PM. They left all their bags in the room and went to the restaurant. When they arrived, the elevator was no longer working and they had to walk on foot. so it won’t be so boring, they decided to tell some jokes, and scary stories and sing some songs. The first man told some very good jokes. The second one sang beautiful songs. Till now they have passed 30 floors. It’s time for the 3rd man to tell some scary stories.
135. I’m a performance artist. My next show involves peeing on a scary clown….
136. I had a scary moment when…..
137. It looks like Sean “Spicy” Spicer has been replaced with Anthony “Scary” Scaramucci
138. Why are yachts and ships so scary?
139. Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.
One turns to the other and says, “Have you heard about this mad cow disease that’s going around? It’s pretty scary stuff.”
140. Did y’all hear about the circus fire this weekend?
141. Two men get into a car wreck…
Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive. “Thanks for that drink, sir,” the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. “That was pretty scary.”
142. Election Day was the perfect day to go see Doctor Strange…
143. A recent study shows that 1 in every 10 men are gay.
144. I live in a rough neighborhood
In fact, my neighbor used to be blood.
145. My uncle’s favorite joke.
146. I went to the cinema to watch Harry Potter…and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits.
147. What do you call a scary turkey?
148. Why Is The Letter G Scary?
149. If I told you I knew a convoluted joke about a golf club, a sheep, a stinging insect, a tree, and that scary clown movie…
150. This Halloween I’m dressing up as something really scary….
151. What kind of fermented milk product do large scary monsters eat?
152. What do you call a scary show?
153. Yesterday two astronauts got lost on the dark side of the moon. It was cold and scary, but
154. Name something that can be both sexy and scary at the same time.
155. Why does Mike Tyson like scary movies?
156. I was tending to my garden, and carrying a large, opened bag of dirt, when suddenly I heard a big scary noise!
157. What do you call a Japanese ghost who’s not scary?
158. Why don’t cats watch scary movies?
159. I heard a scary 4 chord song the other day…
160. Pirates can be scary when they’re desperate, but it’s the ones with pegs that you gotta look out for.
161. In 1975 Queen predicted Apple being scary…
162. What do you call scary corn?
163. Friday the 13th may be scary.
164. I got lost on the dark side of the moon the other day. It was cold and scary, but
165. What do they call the scary version of Spokane?
