160+ Best Scary Jokes and Puns

‘Did you know tooth decay is the scariest thing to a vampire?’ If you are looking for scary yet funny jokes and puns to spook your loved ones during the Halloween season, you just landed in the right place!

Best Scary Jokes and Puns

Search no further for those scary skeleton jokes and puns to tickle your funniest bone. Share with friends these fun-filled jokes to create good memories. We hope our collection of scary jokes and puns will induce a burst of belly-cracking laughter and not be too frightening to scare you away before the end of this ride.

1. A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier…

A deadline


2. This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That’s scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.


3. My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house.

So I only watched them at my friends’ house.


4. As the world can communicate freely online directly to anyone, we find ourselves in virtual information abundance, spoiled for choice!

You can now choose between funny propaganda, serious propaganda, dramatic propaganda, scary propaganda, or sad propaganda!


5. What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?

The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!


6. Tell someone that you love them today, because life is short…

but scream it at them in German because it’s also confusing and scary.


7. The sentence “I’m aware” isn’t very scary.

Unless you put Wolf on the end.


8. What do scary pandas eat?



9. Two costumes are gonna be super popular this year: Donald Trump and Scary Clown.

It’s gonna be hard to say which is which.


10. A scary thing to do to your girlfriend on Halloween… 

asks her if she’s going as a sumo wrestler. Spooky!Shout out to my friend Ryan Smith for this joke


11. Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage


12. My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It’s not my birthday but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house


13. I hate driving through tunnels [OC]. They’re always so dark and scary. My hands always start shaking whenever I’m driving through one with my mates.

I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome


14. Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading the newspaper. Roms, antisemitic hate crimes and it’s just depressing and scary, here on the other hand” he says while showing his friend the frontpage ” 

I’m apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!”


15. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.


16. Brett Favre reveals ‘scary’ memory loss. 

He says he is not going back to play Pro Basketball


17. Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, “Let’s put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!”.

They don’t help him.


18. Had a great swim along the beach in Bali. Perfect visibility and tons of coral. I saw a colorful but scary-looking thing attached to a rock and waving in the gentle current.

I thought to myself: “is it a friend, or an anemone?”


19. What’s the best thing you can do if you’re feeling lonely? 

Watch a scary movie. You won’t feel lonely anymore.


20. I’ve been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink…

…Frankly, I’m tariff-eyed.


21. What is hot and scary at the same time?

Ghost pepper!


22. Boo! Sorry, I guess that isn’t very scary.



23. What’s scarier than a scary movie?

Mathematics homework!


24. A pedophile was taking a small child into the woods at night…

The kid says, “These woods are really scary”. The pedophile replies, “You’re telling me, I’ve got to walk out of here alone”.


25. What’s the best dessert you can have alone after watching a scary movie?

Eye scream!


26. My great grandfather and grandfather both have Alzheimer’s.

My dad is starting to show early signs of the disease as well and it’s scary because I know that sooner or later I will also get Alzheimer’s as well because my great grandfather and grandfather both have Alzheimer’s and my dad is starting to show early signs of the disease……


27. What do you call a big, prejudiced, scary clown?

A big It


28. Bad musicians can be scary. 

But their Bach is worse than their bite.


29. Why was Tom scared of making friends?

Because of the fear of getting ghosted.


30. An old man and a young boy are walking through a forest at night.

The boy says “Gee mister, this forest sure is scary”The old man replies “You think that’s bad, I have to walk back alone”


31. Do you want to know the scariest mathematics joke?

I can’t tell you. I’m 22 to say it.


32. What is the best way to eat chips ahoy cookies

Yous should not do it, keebler elf man very scary


33. Why was the fart scary?

Because the sound came from the morgue.


34. Robert Johnson, the CEO of a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white-collar crimes. An older man, who looked to be in his 60s, motioned the CEO over and invited him to sit, to which he obliges. The older man says “my name is Walt. Son, I can see how nervous you are, but try and relax. Daily life on the inside isn’t nearly as scary as you’ve seen in the movies. There’ll be some bad days, but for the most part, it’s relatively peaceful.” Robert thanks him and takes a deep breath and starts eating his lunch.

About 5 minutes pass by and another prisoner stands up and yells “23!” The entire chow hall breaks out into laughter. Robert looks around, slightly startled. A few minutes later another prisoner stands up and yells “16!” Again, laughter breaks out. Another 5 minutes pass and someone stands up and yells “144!” The prison is almost hysterical with laughter, even the guards are starting to laugh. Understandably, this confuses Robert so he asks Walt “what’s going on? Why is everyone laughing over numbers?” Walt replies “you see, most of us are here for life. At this point, we’ve heard every joke in the book a million times. So, to save time, we have decided to number every joke. When someone stands up and yells a number, we know which joke they’re referring to, and it makes us laugh.”

Robert sees this as his opportunity to fit in, so he says “you know what? I’m going to give it a shot.” So Robert stands up and confidently yells “74!” The whole place is silent. Robert is taken aback, but he tries again “35!” Again there’s silence. Everyone is just staring at Robert. He uncomfortably clears his throat and tries one more time “154?” Still nothing. Defeated, Robert sits back down. Robert looks at Walt and says “I don’t understand what happened.” Walt replies “sorry man, some people just can’t tell a joke.”


35. What starts with T and ends in X and adults are the most scared of it? 



36. You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear?

Depends…….No seriously, Depends.


37. What’s empty-headed and orange and always tries to be scary?

Jack o’lantern.


38. Someone started choking in the Starbucks line.

It was soooo scary. Thankfully they opened up another register.


39. Yo momma so ugly

she walked into a scary hayride and came out with an application.


40. Why am I scared of french pastry chefs?

French pastries are scary. They give me the crepes.


41. Unlike Stephen King’s stories, there is nothing scary about his son.

He’s been Joe King ever since he was born


42. My printer started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille.

It’s giving me Goosebumps


43. If there was a scary Halloween dessert that kept coming back, what would you call it?

A boo-meringue.


44. A funeral procession crawls through the center of town. At the front is the hearse carrying the coffin. Behind this is a man with a big grin on his face and holding a leash that is attached to a big scary-looking dog. Behind him are hundreds of mourners, except they’re all men. An onlooker approaches the man with the dog and asks, “excuse me, who is in the hearse?”

“My mother-in-law” the man chuckles.

“Oh really? Well, that explains the grin. But what’s with the dog?”

“Oh, the dog killed her.”

“The dog killed her?”

“Yes. I’ve trained the dog to kill mothers-in-law. It’s awesome.”

“Wow.” “I know right.” “So… um…” “Mhm?”

“Can I borrow the dog?” “Sure,” the man says, “but” he jerks a thumb at the procession behind, “you’ll have to join the queue.”


45. Do you like punchlines about scary cows? 

I find them to be terror bull.


46. Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says.

“I have to admit, it’s pretty scary out here.” The other replies, “You think this is bad? I have to walk back alone.”


47. What makes cheese Frankenstein so scary? 

Because he’s a Muenster!


48. I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen….

I can feel it…


49. Why are Halloween French pastries so scary?

Because they give you crepes.

50. What do you call a scary person who likes to rip things?

A tear-er


51. What happened when the lady didn’t pay her exorcist on Halloween?

Her house was repossessed.


52. North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary….

Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere…


53. Where do ghosts mostly trick-or-treat?

At dead ends


54. Two men get into a car wreck…

Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive.

“Thanks for that drink, sir,” the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. “That was pretty scary.”

“Don’t thank me,” the older man replies, casually tossing the empty bottle into the woods. “I’m a lawyer.”


55. What kind of keys do ghosts use for unlocking scary doors?



56. I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.


57. What are vampires scared of most of the time?


58. What did the package say to the scary 18-wheeler?

I’m not a freight.


59. What would you call the spiders who married on Halloween?

Newly webbed!


60. I’m not sure what is scarier these days,

checking my temperature or checking my weight.


61. What do ghosts clean their hair with?



62. I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.


63. What happened to the ghost who got lost in the fog?

He was mist!


64. One night I was walking home through a dark street.

I saw a girl in front of me. She looked around and moved faster. I also moved faster. She ran and I ran. She screamed and I yelled. I don’t even understand why we fled, but it was really scary.


65. Why do vampires love baseball?

Because they turn into bats each and every night.


66. A man was walking home one night when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise. On his way to his house, he locked his door, but the casket managed to break its way in. Terrified, the man continued upstairs, where he locked himself in. Looking around for anything that could help him, anything at all, he grabbed a bottle of cough drops.

Because they turn into bats each and every night.


67. What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?

Spare ribs


68. Late at night I jabbed my wife in the dark and said, ” You’re it.”

I nearly fell out of bed when I woke up next to a scary clown in the morning


69. What’s long, hard, and scary when you first see it?

Calculus homework.


70. What do ya call a scary movie about your zodiac sign?

A horoscope


71. You know what’s scary about a white man in prison?

You know he actually committed the crime.


72. The Stuttering Cat.

This is always the most successful joke I tell. Maybe you guys will like it. A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th-grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.” The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. “Well,” she began “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!” “That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised her back, went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,’ but before she could say ‘Fuck!,’ the Rottweiler ate her!”


73. Son: Dad… This movie is so scary… Is that woman going to die?

Dad: Judging by the size of that horse’s dick, Yes she is


74. Two cows are grazing next to each other in a field…One cow says to the other, “The news is so scary with all this talk of mad cow disease, it really has me worried” 

The other cow looks over and says,” I’m not worried at all….. I’m a helicopter…..”


75. My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house.

So I only watched them at my friends’ house.


76. What do you call a scary fruit?

A BOO-Berry!


77. A big, scary-looking biker walks into a bar.

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says “what’ll ya have?” The biker says “gimme a beer.” The bartender hands him a beer, and says “that’ll be 3.50.” The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it continues for a couple of weeks until one day, the biker decides to pay with a 5-dollar bill.

The bartender is relieved to not have to pick up 350 pennies this evening, and she decides to give the biker a taste of his own medicine. She gets 150 pennies, drops them in front of the biker and says “your change, big boy!”

The biker pulls out 200 pennies, drops them on the table and says “another beer, please.”


78. If you think that your computer, laptop, and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years


79. You think birds are scary?


80. Being a baby must be scary.

Imagine going to sleep and waking up in Walmart.


81. Do You think dinosaurs are scary?

Imagine dragons!


82. What makes people run but isn’t scary?

A treadmill


83. A wolf, a lion, and a little pig are having a discussion.

The wolf proudly says: I am the scariest animal in the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.

The lion smirks and says: do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle and the scariest. When I roar, all the animals flee into the jungle.

The little pig shivers a bit and says: I don’t want to say too much, but when I sneeze, every human around me gets himself vaccinated.


84. As soon as that baby hits, you get these scary mailings that say stuff like, ‘Congratulations, new dad! Now, what about life insurance, disability, and college funds? What if they get sick, Dad? Think of the future, Dad.’ 

So I did — I got a vasectomy.


85. It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers


86. Scary Story. It seemed like an average Tuesday night. The roads were quiet outside, and rain was beginning to pour down hard. Things were going pretty slowly until a friend of mine burst through the door, but there was something off about him. There he stood, motionless in the dark, his piercing stare not leaving me. After a moment or two, he began to slowly peel his own skin off. Blood dripped slowly from his lips, and I had to ask him with the most courage I could muster:

“Dude, do you need to borrow some ChapStick?”


87.  What kind of music is scary for balloons?


88. That “Born to Be Wild” song is actually pretty scary.

Especially the part where they find a head out on the highway.


89. The blue tarmac on my city’s roads is scary……

They’re cycle paths!


90. One cow asked the other, “Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary”.

The other cow replied, “Doesn’t bother me, man. I’m a helicopter”!


91. Scientists have discovered a new planet made entirely out of scary monsters!

they named it Tera-Fy


92. What do you call a really scary horse that only appears after the sun has set?

A nightMARE!


93. What’s orange, empty-headed, and tries to be scary?

A jack o’lantern!


94. Dude, that scary clown followed us to Wales.

Welsh It


95. The camping story.

A couple of years ago I went out camping in the woods with a few of my friends. It was a dark and stormy night, and we felt very alone in our little tent, so we started telling scary stories. I described how the hills we were in used to be a coal mining country, and the coal mines were dark.


96. What do you call it when a group of people survives a deadly plane crash?

Just plane scary


97. A homicidal rapist is holding hands with a little girl.

They are walking through a dense and eerie forest at night. Sounds of owls, wolves and other animals echo around.

“This place is really scary sir” says the girl. The man looks around. The sound of wolves sends chills down his spine. He looks at the girl and says: “Yeah. Imagine that I have to return by myself”.


98. I had a scary dream last night.

I dreamed that I woke up dead.

I was so scared I was beside myself.


99. Every Girl Wants A Guy

Who Hugs Her When They’re Watching A Scary Or Romantic Movie,

Who Gives Her His Jacket Even When He Himself Is Feeling Cold,

Who Will Always Be The One To Make Her Laugh, Most Importantly He Will Love Her For Who She Is! That Guy Is What Google Calls “No Result Found!”


100. The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me…

Very scary, when you are dicing with death.

101. When is a turkey scary?

When it’s a goblin.


102. I always said that I would never ever go walking in dark scary tunnels on the earth.

But eventually, I caved.


103. When my grandson Gavin was 4 years old, he loved to “play” the piano. 

Once, when he was done, we forgot to close the lid to the keys. As we walked by later he said, “I better close the piano or the boogeyman will play some scary songs.”


104. What’s the difference between a homeless clown and a scary clown?

One is penniless and the other is Pennywise.


105. World’s shortest scary story

The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.


106. It would be really scary if politicians worked shift work

There would be so many night mayors


107. Who lives in an old dumpster near KFC?

(Blackbob Niggerpants!)

Obnoxious and scary “gangasta” is he

(Blackbob Niggerpants!)

If Newport and Malt liquors are something you wish

(Blackbob Niggerpants!)

Then pull your gats and scare them off


108. Why is no one scared the day before turning ten?

Because they benign


109. A child and a child molester walk into a forest together.

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, “Boy, these woods are scary.” The molester says to the child, “You think you’re scared? I have to walk out of here alone.”


110. You know what’s a scary thought?

Bear in mind…


111. Why are scary movies always in creepy places like jails and hospitals?

I want a scary movie in Walmart.


112. “Clean up on aisle 13”

“But sir… There is no aisle 13..”


113. What’s comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.


114. My iPhone battery dies quicker than

a black guy in a scary movie.


115. My girlfriend likes it when I dress up as scary clown when we get intimate

I think she has a Stephen Kink.


116. Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn’t been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy’s faces when they walked into that village and… oh Jesus. He shouldn’t think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex’s slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn’s cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now… he knows that. It’s–it’s just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him… it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he’s back there… In the jungle… In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.


117. What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite scary movie?

Get out


118. When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.

I almost died in Finding Nemo.


119. My first sexual experience was scary…

I was all alone!


120. Did you hear the Spice Girls are putting on a reunion tour? Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and Baby Spice are all on board, but Ginger Spice turned them down.

Luckily they signed Donald Trump to replace her; he’ll be performing as Pumpkin Spice.


121. What do scary pandas eat?



122. The scary thing about watch dogs 3 is the fact 

it’s an accurate representation of britian


123. Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.


124. My friend wanted a scary movie recommendation

I suggested An Inconvenient Truth


125. When is a turkey scary?

When it’s a goblin.


126. There’s a scary library in my town……

everytime I go there I get goosebumps.


127. What has four legs, and two mouths, is very scary, and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.


128. The internet is a scary place. It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this

(It’s a grain of salt)


129. What do girls fear that’s big, scary, and pink?

The Alaskan Bull Worm.


130. Two guys are sitting on a couch watching a reality cop show. One of them says: “World outside is so brutal, Jesus Christ, so violent and scary. I don’t think I can go outside ever again.”

His friend: “At some point we have to! I’m afraid the homeowners are coming home soon.”


131. I always hear about how scary deep sea fish are…

But just think of all the pressure they’re under!


132. I had a nightmare last night that my Tik Tok account was deleted

It was scary because for a second I thought I had a Tik Tok account.


133. Two costumes are gonna be super popular this year: Donald Trump and Scary Clown.

It’s gonna be hard to say which is which.


134. 3 guys checked into the hotel

Their room was on the 45th floor and the administrator 1warned them that the elevator works just till 12PM. They left all their bags in the room and went to the restaurant. When they arrived, the elevator was no longer working and they had to walk on foot. so it won’t be so boring, they decided to tell some jokes, and scary stories and sing some songs. The first man told some very good jokes. The second one sang beautiful songs. Till now they have passed 30 floors. It’s time for the 3rd man to tell some scary stories.

And he began to say “Get ready to hear the scariest thing that you ever heard. We forgot our keys at the reception”


135. I’m a performance artist. My next show involves peeing on a scary clown….

And now, Urine on It.


136. I had a scary moment when…..

I had a scary moment when I was opening my new expensive furniture with a Stanley knife. I damn near slit my shelf


137. It looks like Sean “Spicy” Spicer has been replaced with Anthony “Scary” Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be “Sporty”, “Baby”, “Ginger” or “Posh”


138. Why are yachts and ships so scary?

Because they’re for boating.


139. Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.

One turns to the other and says, “Have you heard about this mad cow disease that’s going around? It’s pretty scary stuff.”

The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. “I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn’t affect us ducks.”


140. Did y’all hear about the circus fire this weekend?

Yeah, scary stuff… They say it was intent.


141. Two men get into a car wreck…

Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive. “Thanks for that drink, sir,” the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. “That was pretty scary.”

“Don’t thank me,” the older man replies, casually tossing the empty bottle into the woods. “I’m a lawyer.”


142. Election Day was the perfect day to go see Doctor Strange…

I got to experience a scary bizarro world where sanity was cast aside and the laws of nature were twisted to the breaking point, and I also went to a movie.


143. A recent study shows that 1 in every 10 men are gay.

As a guy I find this really scary, that means that 1 of the last 10 dudes I slept with is gay


144. I live in a rough neighborhood

In fact, my neighbor used to be blood.

Then he fell off the roof. Now he’s a crip.


145. My uncle’s favorite joke.

A man with a wooden eye was always nervous asking girls to dance. He was always scared they would find his wooden eye too scary and say no. But he saw a pretty girl with a harelip across the dance floor and mustered up the courage to ask her to dance. Once he asked, she was ecstatic and couldn’t believe someone asked her. She said, “Would I?! Would I?!”. The man gets angry and says, “Harelip! Harelip!”


146. I went to the cinema to watch Harry Potter…and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. 

At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied So am I. He hated the book.


147. What do you call a scary turkey?

A poultrygeist.


148. Why Is The Letter G Scary?

It Turns A Host Into A Ghost!


149. If I told you I knew a convoluted joke about a golf club, a sheep, a stinging insect, a tree, and that scary clown movie…

Wood ewe bee leaf It?

150. This Halloween I’m dressing up as something really scary….

A phone battery at 2%.


151. What kind of fermented milk product do large scary monsters eat?



152. What do you call a scary show?



153. Yesterday two astronauts got lost on the dark side of the moon. It was cold and scary, but

on the bright side they had a blast playing in the craters.


154. Name something that can be both sexy and scary at the same time.



155. Why does Mike Tyson like scary movies?

Because they’re ear-rie


156. I was tending to my garden, and carrying a large, opened bag of dirt, when suddenly I heard a big scary noise!

Safe to say, I soiled my plants.


157. What do you call a Japanese ghost who’s not scary?



158. Why don’t cats watch scary movies?

Cus it gives em night-meows!


159. I heard a scary 4 chord song the other day…

It gave me the E B G B’s


160. Pirates can be scary when they’re desperate, but it’s the ones with pegs that you gotta look out for.

They’re on their last leg.


161. In 1975 Queen predicted Apple being scary…

Thunderbolt and Lightning, very, very frightening.


162. What do you call scary corn?



163. Friday the 13th may be scary.

But may, May Fri 10 you more.


164. I got lost on the dark side of the moon the other day. It was cold and scary, but

on the bright side the craters were a lot of fun to explore!


165. What do they call the scary version of Spokane?



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