170+ Funniest Officers/ Police Jokes and Puns

Remember when she-riff arrested a bottle of water because it was needed in three states? 

Despite the serious nature of their profession, interacting with cops can bring in the fun, especially in outrageous situations like pranking. Whether you’ve been caught on the wrong side of the law or not, these jokes will definitely ring a bell.

Funniest Officers/ Police Jokes and Puns

We just can’t get enough of twisted police jokes and puns! 

Therefore, we are being charged with bringing you hilarious cop jokes and puns, and we are sure you will find them arresting. Caution! No one will bail you out from our cop-world jokes collection that will crack up your ribs.

1. The perfect crime was committed last night.

Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. Police say they have nothing to go on.

 

2. A police officer pulled me over and said, “Papers.”

I said, “Scissors. I win!” and drove off. I guess he wants a rematch because he’s been following me for about 45 minutes.

 

3. What do you call a female police officer playing guitar?

She-riff

 

4. Did you hear they arrested the Energizer bunny?

He was charged with battery.

 

5. Why did the police officer smell so bad?

An officer sees a man exit a bar at closing time and get into his car. After observing some erratic driving, he pulls the man over. The officer asks the driver, “Where are you going at this time of night?” The man replies, “I’m on my way to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and its effects on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.” The officer asks, “Who would give that kind of lecture at this time of night?” The man says, “My wife.”

 

6. Officer: “I notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

Driver: “I noticed your eyes are glazed over. Have you been eating donuts?”

 

7. A cop gives a woman a speeding ticket, and she wants to know why he didn’t give her a warning first. 

The officer says, “Ma’am, there are warnings posted up and down this highway. They say, ‘Speed Limit 65.’”

 

8. Did you hear the celery got arrested?

They charged him with stalking.

 

9. What happens when a police officer goes to bed?

He becomes an undercover cop.

 

10. Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Driver: “Isn’t it your job to tell me?”

 

11. Officer: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Driver: “Sorry, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.” Officer: “There is no traffic. This highway is completely empty.” Driver: “That’s what I’m telling you — I’m really far behind.”

 

12. An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence.

He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.” Without hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”

 

13. Why is a traffic cop the strongest man in the world?

Because he can stop a 10-ton truck by holding up his hand!

 

14. Cop: “When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.”

Driver: “You’re wrong, officer. It’s only my hat that makes me look that old.”

 

15. Did you hear about the two peanuts who walked through a bad neighborhood?

One was assaulted.

 

16. Officer: “Why did you park here?”

Me: “The sign says, ‘Fine for parking.’”

 

17. What do you call a clairvoyant who escaped from prison?

A medium at large.

 

18. What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mugshot?

A cellfie.

 

19. Why did the sheriff lock up her boyfriend?

He stole her heart.

 

20. Why did they arrest the cap?

It was covering for the marker.

 

21. I got stopped last night by a police officer.

Cop: “I’m going to follow you to the nearest police station.” Me: “What for?” Cop: “I’ve forgotten the way.” — Tommy Cooper

 

22. Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Answer: Me: “You were bored and wanted some company?”

 

23. Officer: “How high are you?”

Driver: “No, officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’”

 

24. What does a frog use to keep away burglars?

A lily padlock

 

25. Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected fowl play.

 

26. Judge: “I thought I said that I never wanted to see you in here again.”

Criminal: “That’s what I kept telling the arresting officer, but he wouldn’t listen.”

 

27. Tourist: “Are you a policeman?”

Officer: “No, I am an undercover detective.” Tourist: “So, why are you in uniform?” Officer: “Today is my day off.”

 

28. I asked a rookie what he would do if he had to arrest his mother.

He said, “I’d call for backup!”

 

29. Police are usually shocked that I have a record.

But I love their greatest hits!

 

30. Why did the thief wear blue gloves?

He didn’t want to be caught red-handed.

 

31. A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states.

Solid, liquid, and gas.

 

32. Man: “Can I park here?”

Cop: “No.” Man: “What about all these other cars?” Cop: “They didn’t ask!”

 

33. There’s a man in the town who’s stealing the wheels of police cars.

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

 

34. An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street. He approaches her and asks, “Are you OK?” The woman replies,

“Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?” The officer says, “Just keep standing there.”

 

35. What are riot police in Germany called?

Sour kraut control

 

36. Did you hear about the criminal who stole a lamp?

He got a very light sentence.

 

37. A woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer.

The cop asked to see her driver’s license. As she dug through her purse, she became more and more agitated. “What does it look like?” the woman asked. The policewoman replied, “It’s square, and it has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said. The officer looked at the mirror, handed it back and said, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

 

38. When caught speeding, an airman on leave tried to talk an officer out of giving him a ticket. He asked, “Would it make a difference if I told you I’m in the Air Force?”

The police officer replied, “Yes, but only if you were driving an airplane.”

 

39. A cop caught a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font.

Before cuffing the artist, he looked at the mural and said, “Now that is bold.”

 

40. Why did the officer give the ghost a ticket?

It didn’t have a haunting license.

 

41. The police are trying to say I assaulted a guy with a sheet of sandpaper.

All I did was rough him up a bit.

 

42. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who? 

Dishes the police. Open up!

 

43. A week after my wife went missing, the police told me I should expect the worst-case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

 

44. Why are policemen such great volleyball players?

They know how to serve and protect.

 

45. The police caught a person erasing people’s criminal records.

They said he was a real pro for a first offender.

 

46. On what show do police officers solve crimes committed by garden gnomes?

Lawn & Order

 

47. Who’s the most famous lawn detective?

Sherlock Gnomes

 

48. Why did the NYPD show up at the Mets game?

They heard someone was stealing bases.

 

49. Cop to perp: “Did you kill this man?”

Perp: “No, he died of natural causes.” Cop: “He was shot!” Perp: “Right — a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. So, he died of natural causes. Sheesh, I thought you were the cop here.”

50. Cop: “Where do you think you’re going?”

Driver: “Donut shop, officer.” Cop: “At 80 miles per hour?” Driver: “I wanted to make sure I beat you there, so there would still be donuts to buy.”

 

51. Cop to perp: “Where do you live?”

“With my parents.” Cop: “Where do your parents live?” Perp: “With me.” Cop: “Where do you all live?” Perp: “Together.” Cop: “Where is your house?” Perp: “Next to my neighbor’s house.” Cop: “Where is your neighbor’s house.” Perp: “If I tell you, would you believe me?” Cop: “Tell me.” Perp: “Next to my house.”

 

52. One fire truck and 20 cops show up to a call. What happened?

Dunkin Donuts burnt down.

 

53. I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me.

Funny… I don’t remember applying for a job there.

 

54. Why did the cat get a ticket?

It littered.

 

55. Who works in tandem with the grammar police?

Corrections officers.

 

56. What are the four food groups for cops?

Jelly, powdered, glazed, and chocolate frosted.

 

57. What do you say when your friend wants to hear a really cool joke about the police from you?

You say, “Freeze!”

 

58. An officer stops a man for speeding and notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer: “I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.” Driver: “Officer, I have contacts.” Officer: “I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.”

 

59. What is a police officer’s favorite type of tag?

Freeze tag

 

60. Why did the coffee call 911?

It was mugged.

 

61. How do cops greet people?

Policed to meet you!

 

62. Why couldn’t police notify the family of the murdered baker?

He was a John Dough.

 

63. A state trooper pulled a farmer over on a rural road and said, “Sir, do you realize your brother fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied, “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

 

64. Did the police officer arrest the old lady who shot someone for stepping on the part of the floor she had just mopped?

No, the officer did not arrest her because the floor was still wet.

 

65. When the police pulled me over for speeding, I said to him, “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?”

The police officer replied, “Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”

 

66. What do you say when a policeman or a state trooper does overtime?

You say he is on the copper nitrate.

 

67. Why did the police arrest the turkey down the road?

Because it had been suspected of foul play.

 

68. What is the kind of topping that a cop hates on his morning toast?

 

69. What do you call the police officer who specializes in computer-related crimes?

You call that officer a troubleshooter.

 

70. What happened when the officer pulled over the celebrity actor for drunk-driving?

The police took a cellfie with him.

 

71. Which cop is the strongest in the entire world?

The traffic police is the strongest cop in the entire world because he can stop even the biggest of trucks with just a wave of the hand.

 

72. Why had the officer looked forward to arresting the winner of the fastest hot dog eating competition?

Because the winner had been speeding.

 

73. Which is the only place in town that has 24/7 police protection from thieves and robbers?

Because the winner had been speeding.

 

74. What is the name of the cop who also hosts a TV news show every night?

His name is Anderson Cop-per.

 

75. What do you when a cop pulls you over to give you a ticket and asks you for papers?

You reply scissors and drive off!

 

76. Which team was the cop assigned to after he demonstrated his skills in catching flies?

The cop was assigned to the SWAT team.

 

77. Why were there so many police officers and detectives at the baseball game?

Because someone had reported the base to be stolen.

 

78. Who did the toy store owner call when all the real estate board games went missing from his shop?

He immediately called the Mono-Police.

 

79. Why did the policeman lock up his lover?

Because the officer had his heart stolen by her.

 

80. What did the optician say to the police when they arrested him for murder?

“Officer, I am being framed for murder!”

 

81. Why was the thief who was wearing blue gloves not caught by the police?

Because they couldn’t catch him red-handed!

 

82. What is the name of the music band that cops listen to on the car radio?

They listen to ‘The Police’.

 

83. What is the most favorite gardening show of the various police departments across the world?

They love watching the show ‘Lawn Order’!

 

84. Why did the police detectives set up offices all along the beach?

Because they were expecting a crime wave.

 

85. Why did so many police officers and just one fire truck show up when there was a fire at a shop?

It was because the fire was at a donut shop.

 

86. Why was the sketch artist wrongly fired from his job by the police?

It had been a case of mistaken identity.

 

87. Why did the coffee call the police so early in the morning?

He called because he had been mugged!

 

88. What do you call the special branch of police who checks whether everyone is well dressed or not?

You call them the Fashion Police.

 

89. What did the police assure the old lady who had lost her wig in the locality?

They said they would comb the area.

 

90. What is the most common way that one cop will greet another cop when they meet somewhere?

They tell each other, “Policed to meet and talk with you!”

 

91. Why did the cop pull over the car, which had many weird paintings and drawings in different colors all across it?

Because this was a case of graphic violation.

 

92. Which is the only day in the calendar when an undercover cop is in his police uniform?

It is the day that the cop is not on duty.

 

93. Why was the cop arrested on suspicion of cannibalism?

Because he was caught grilling all the suspects.

 

94. Which day of the week is the favorite day for the police all across the world?

Cops are thrilled when they get to FineDay!

 

95. Why do you call a cop that has learned how to fly?

A heli-cop-ter.

 

96. When the police caught the low-powered robot driving around in the car, what did he say to the robot?

He said, “You are going to be charged with battery!”

 

97. Why did the bicycle cops not stop the thieves from stealing gasoline from the pump?

Because they were not on petrol!

 

98. Why did the police officer arrest the celery?

It was because he was charged with stalking.

 

99. What happened when a rock band drummer decided to join the police academy?

He graduated as a beat cop.

100. What did the policeman say to his tummy?’

You’re under a vest!’

 

101. Why did the police arrest the doctor while he was checking a patient?

Because he was accused of taking the patient’s pulse!

 

102. How were bugs allowed to be a part of the state troopers?

Because they form an important part of the po-lice.

 

103. What do you name the sickness where someone falls ill just by seeing a cop car driving behind them?

You say that the person is suffering from cop sick shock syndrome.

 

104. What was the reason given when the space police arrested a star with no apparent cause?

The police officer told the press that the arrest was made because it was a shooting star.

 

105. What did the suspect say when the cop asked what he was doing between 5 and 6?

The suspect replied he was in nursery school at that time.

 

106. Why was the famous sculptor recruited to the police department?

Because the sculptor had excellent skills for busts.

 

107. Why do cows never get to be great police officers?

Because they are petrified of being part of a steak-out while on duty!

 

108. Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Police.

Police who?

Please hurry up and open the door!

 

109. Why did the hardcover book want to join the police department?

Because he had a strong desire to go undercover.

 

110. Knock, knock!

Who is there?

It is us.

Us who?

FB… Facebook? FBI, Open up!

 

111. Why did the cat get fined by the police?

It littered

 

112. What sort of photo do you take at the police station?

A cell-fie!

 

113. Why did the peanut call the police?

It was a-SALT-ed!

 

114. Knock, knock!

Who is there?

It is me.

Me who?

The cop crocodile!Oh, so you are the investi-gator!

 

115. What did the policeman say to the snowman?

Freeze!

 

116. What do you call a psychic on the run?

A medium at large!

 

117. Who works with the grammar police?

Correction officers!

 

118. What did the policeman say to his dinner?

‘Irish stew in the name of the law!’

 

119. What do you call a blonde policeman?

A fair cop!

 

120. Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected fowl play!

 

121. Why did the police raid the pet shop?

They were looking for the cat burglar!

 

122. Why did the police arrest the fish and chips?

A-salt and battery!

 

123. What’s got a screen, keys and can arrest you?

A PC!

 

124. What kind of insects join the forces?

The po-lice!

 

125. What do you call it when a policeman is watching cows?

A steak-out!

 

126. Why did the policeman have a barbecue?

He was grilling the suspects!

 

127. Why are policemen so musical?

They’re always on the beat!

 

128. Someone stole some dogs from a dog walker…The police have no leads!

They’re always on the beat!

 

129. What happens when you steal a vehicle?

You get in-car-cerated!

 

130. Why did the police arrest the cheetah?

For speeding!

 

131. Police just arrested one person for stealing batteries, and another for stealing fireworks.

They charged one guy and let the other off!

 

132. A toilet was stolen from the police station…

The police have nothing to go on!

 

133. Why did the police arrest a group of crows?

For murder!

 

134. Why was the artist upset?

She was being framed for murder!

 

135. Why did the police arrest the duvet?

They knew it was covering up something!

 

136. A man was arrested yesterday for impersonating a helium balloon.

The police held him for a while then let him go!

 

137. Police say that the man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it…

Has been bailed.

 

138. Police attending an incident returned to their car to find all four wheels had been stolen

Officers are working tyrelessly to find the culprit.

 

139. Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: Mine.

 

140. A man in a police interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

The cop says, “You are the lawyer.” The lawyer replies, “Exactly, so where’s my present?”

 

141. A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”

Kindergarten

 

142. There’s a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

 

143. A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops.

I think he must be a part of some extreme mist group

 

144. Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia.” 

Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”

 

145. Latest news: A hole has been found in the wall surrounding the local nudist colony.

Police say they are looking into it.

 

 146. I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”

I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off. He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

 

147. I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…

But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

 

148. A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man’s apartment, the officer found the man’s bag at the bottom of the stairwell. It was a briefcase.

 

149. XBox and PlayStation are having a fight.

Then the cops show up: “Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U…”

150. Latest news: weight loss pills were stolen this morning.

Police say suspects are still at large.

 

151. In my police interview, I answered, “No comment” to every question.

I didn’t get the job.

 

152. A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop said, “Do you know how fast you were going, Sir?” The guy replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.” The cop said, “There is no traffic, Sir.”

The guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”

 

153. Police have reported that a midget clairvoyant has escaped from prison.

There’s a small medium at large.

 

154. Reports are coming in of a collision between a prison van and a concrete mixer.

Police are looking for four hardened criminals.

 

155. At the murder scene the first cop says to his partner, “This seems racially motivated.” The second cop replies, “Hate crime?”

The first cop says, “Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I’m a cop.”

 

156. I went out dressed as a battery and my friend went out dressed as a firework.

We got arrested by the cops.

They charged me and let my friend off.

 

157. Thieves broke into a warehouse and stole 5,000 bars of soap.

Police say they made a clean getaway.

 

158. A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree. He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”

“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”

 

159. Latest news: man found dead in a vat of falafel condiment.

Police are treating it as a hummuscide.

 

160. Cops have arrested a man dressed in a brown paper suit,

for rustling.

 

161. I went to the police and told them my credit card had been stolen six months earlier.

They asked me why I hadn’t reported it earlier.

I said, “Because the thief was spending less than my wife.” So then they asked why I was reporting it now. I said, “I think the thief’s wife has started using it.”

 

162. Why do riot police like to get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

 

163. Blunt pencils stolen.

Police say the robbery was pointless.

 

164. I yelled, “Shotgun” long before anyone else, but I still had to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

 

165. A turtle was walking down the street when he was attacked by a gang of snails.

When asked by the police what happened he said, “I don’t know, it all happened so quickly.”

 

166. There was a knock at my door earlier. When I opened the door a cop was stood there. “Mr Jones?”, he asked. “Yes,” I replied. “I’m afraid your dog’s just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”

I said, “I don’t think so – my dog doesn’t have a bike.”

 

167. If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals…

Left and right.

 

168. The other week the cops arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car.

They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly.

 

169. Sword swallower found dead.

Police suspect it’s an inside job.

 

170. A policeman accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict for a costume party.

That cop learned never to book a judge by his cover.

 

171. A group of teenagers cruised past my neighbor’s house and pelted it with rotten tomatoes.

Police described it as drive-by fruiting.

 

172. Suspected fake dentist arrested.

Police perform cavity searches for evidence.

 

 

 

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