230+ Funny Suicide Jokes and Puns

Suicide  shouldn’t be the last thing you opt to do, no matter how hard things get. Always seek for professional help when things get tough. You can check in with a doctor or even sit with a therapist to unpack and gain tools to deal well with your mental health.

Funny Suicide Jokes and Puns

Like the old adage goes; laughter is the best medicine. We have compiled hilarious jokes and puns that best suit this context.

As we laugh out loud at our hysterical suicide jokes and puns, let us prioritize being our brother’s and sister’s lifesavers. Also, in the same light, remember to check our list of Psychology jokes as well.

1. The only person that keeps me from committing suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.


2. The Suicide prevention hotline in my country is truly a lifesaver.

I waited for a long time for them to pick up, I fell asleep and woke up without suicidal thoughts.


3. Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god. God:”You already know you’re going to hell, but before that I’ll give you one wish.” Hitler:”Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man.” 

God:”Why the Swedish man?” Hitler:”I knew you didn’t care about the Jews.”


4. A terrorist commander is interviewing for a suicide bomber position…

“So good news-there is a sudden vacancy. We couldn’t track down any of your recs, which is great. I just have one final question-where do you see yourself in the …

\*glances at watch\* next five minutes?”


5. Suicide jokes don’t fly with most people

They hang


6. Why do Gardeners commit suicide?

Because the grass is always greener on *the other side.*


7. My mum told me to stop telling suicidal jokes.

I replied with: “Don’t worry, suicide would be the last thing I’d do.”


8. Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

– My friend received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

– CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

– Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

– Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

– A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.

– A picture is now only worth 200 words.

– The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

– I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty

And finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck


9. Suicide is not a joke, get help

You can pay someone to shoot you


10. Where do suicide bombers go when they die?



11. I’ve realized that suicide would solve all my problems….

…if I could just get the right people to try it.


12. An old woman decided she’s had enough of life and wanted to commit suicide…

… She decided she was going to shoot herself in the heart. So she calls her doctor and asks him “Doctor, where is the heart located in the body?”

“Just below your left breast,” the doctor tells her.“Thanks, ” she says, and shoots herself in the knee.


13. When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.


14. A man goes into a library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide…

The librarian responds, “Keep off! You won’t bring it back.”


15. Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they’re lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me


16. Suicide?

That’s the last thing I’d ever do


17. What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber ?

Do the job well on the first try and they are set for life.


18. My wife said to me “If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me”

I said “That’s the fifth time you’ve said that today”


19. Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or…

Are they just given a quick crash course?


20. Tried committing suicide last night…

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!


21. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.


22. A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks by her and says

“what are you doing?”

she says “i’m going to jump!”

the homeless man says

“if you’re going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?”the woman replies “no way creep! never that!”the homeless man doesn’t seem bothered and says”that’s fine, I’ll just wait til you’re at the bottom”


23. If you call the suicide prevention line and they don’t answer what do you do?

You hang up


24. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?

She sat in her running car

And closed the garage

It was her new Tesla


25. I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back


26. The problem with suicide jokes

Is they end abruptly


27. Them: “don’t you think you’ll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older

Me “when I what? “


28. My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. “This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late for a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found that my car had been stolen and I didn’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took to get home. At home, I found my wife with another man. Then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all. I bought a drink and dropped a suicide capsule in it. Then, after all that, as I sat down here watching the poison dissolve, you come in here and drink the whole damn thing!


28. A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.

Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!


29. Is your nickname suicide?

Because I can’t stop thinking about you.


30. I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.

Started my car, let it run.

I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was so pissed off I shut off my Tesla and went back inside..


31. A guy threatens to jump off the balcony of a penthouse bar. As the crowd gathers around, a regular sitting at the bar turns to the guy next to him and says “Fifty bucks he doesn’t do it.” Lo and behold the man falls to his death, and the regular pays up. The following day, the bar TV broadcasts the man who committed suicide on the news. The regular turns to another guy next to him, and says “Fifty bucks he doesn’t do it.”

Naturally the TV displays the man falling to his death. The bartender stares at the regular, and goes “Listen man, you made the same exact bet yesterday and lost, what gives?” “Well I didn’t think he’d do it again!”


32. If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.


33. How did the philosopher commit political suicide?

He jumped out of the Overton window.


34. What’s suicide bombers’ biggest fear?

Dying alone


35. Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive


36. I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.


37. How do homeopaths do suicide?

With a fatal underdose.


38. So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you’re going on a suicide mission so don’t fail us. The terrorist replied: I’m prepared to die!!

And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I do it here!!And they replied: no it’s not crowded enough to go somewhere else. And so he goes to a mall and again contacts the base: should I do it here!! And they replied: no it’s not crowded enough either go somewhere else. And so he goes to a stadium on a match day and he contacts the base again and says: should I do it here!!! And they replied: yes!!! It’s crowded enough!!! do it!!! He pulls out a dagger and stabs himself


39. BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

“Fake noose.”


40. I think the suicide hotline is sponsored by Nike.

The representative told me “Just do it.”


41. An old farmer in the olden days committed suicide in the most generic way possible

It was just a run-off-the-mill suicide.


42. When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.


43. What do you call a Russian suicide bommer?

A kommiekaze!


44. Suicide booths are 50% off

It’s a deal to die for.


45. What do Eminem and Suicide bombers have in common?

they only get one shot


46. A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, “Don’t jump, you’ve got lots of potential!”


47. How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.


48. I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.


49. Why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

50. An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide.

He approached her.

She: “Don’t come near me!!”

Old man :” Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?”

She shrieked “Over my dead body,you filthy pervert”. Old man said “Ok,if that’s the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bottom” and then he walked away.

The woman stood for another 10 minutes and came back to her car and left. The old man who was watching her from the bushes sighed “7 suicide attempt saved this month”.


51. What does a Russian FSB agent say when he finds an Oligarch shot 13 times?

Worst case of suicide I’ve ever seen


52. I can’t believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold.

They left him hanging.


53. A peach murder-suicides his wife and children…

Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives at the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.

Pineapple says, “well that’s just the pits.”


54. 3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: “If anyone of you is able to satisfy me sexually, I’ll bring the cow back from the dead.” Brother 1 takes her into the jungle and comes back with her after 1 hour. The fairy says she’s not impressed. Brother 2 takes her into the jungle and comes back with her after 3 hours. The fairy says she’s still not impressed.

Now brother 3 takes her into the jungle and comes back with her the next day after almost 24 hours. The fairy, clearly exhausted and almost dead, says to the other 2 brothers, “I’m giving your cow back. Your brother is just insane. I haven’t seen such raw sexual stamina before.” “Well”, one of the brothers replies, “How do you think the cow died?”


55. I’m a suicidal perfectionist…

No matter how many drafts of my suicide note I write, I just can’t seem to end it.


56. I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves. And three of those were wrong numbers.


57. Unfortunately, my father committed suicide a few years ago now

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves. And three of those were wrong numbers. He sadly hung himself.. but there is an upside – He went out swinging!


58. There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.”

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if he could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.”Why are you so happy anyway?”The guy replied, “I’m not happy. My nuts are itchy!”


59. How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself


60. Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back


61. 3 Scotsmen

Sitting on the Firth of Fourth road bridge about to commit suicide by jumping into the raging waters 100s of feet below. First one says to the guy next to him: Why are you going to jump?

He says: My wife makes me the same lunch sandwich every day – cheese and pickles – and I hate both. I can’t go on living like this.

Then he asks the first guy, why are you jumping. Same reason he said, my wife makes me a haggis sandwich for lunch every day and I can’t stand haggis. I’m done. Then they both turn to the 3rd guy. So why are YOU jumping? Same reason he says, I get sausage and neeps sandwich every flipping day and I can’t go on anymore. So your wife makes it, the other 2 questions. No, he replies, I make it myself.


62. Suicide stop

Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,”Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?” She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!” While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked . . . “Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .why don’t you give ol’ George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.” It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.


63. It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There’s a joke about it but it’s wildly inappropriate.

And anyway, the punchline is too long.


64. Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

He thought his life had no porpoise


65. At the border controls between the US and Mexico two U.S. border agents discover a hanged suicide on a tree just before closing time. “If we report this, we won’t be home in four hours,” says one.

“You know what?” says the other, “we’ll just hang him over to the Mexicans and call it a day!” No sooner said than done.

A short time later, two Mexican border guards come by. One of them says in amazement, “Now he’s hanging there again!”


66. I just read about a group of suicide bombers that were dressed like clowns.

It’s a really messed up story, but credit where credit’s due…at least someone’s trying to put the fun back into fundamentalism


67. A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her. “Don’t do it!” he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer. “What’s wrong?” he asked. The woman told him.

“Okay, here’s the thing,” he said. “I’m a crew member on a ship that leaves for Europe tomorrow morning. How about you come with me on the ship? I’ll bring you food and drink.” He slid his arm around her. “I keep you happy, you keep me happy.” She agreed. After all, there wasn’t much else to do. She didn’t have a family. The man was quite handsome as well. No harm in trying.

The next morning, he hid her in one of the lifeboats on the ship with a pillow and a blanket. Every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made love until dawn. One day, about a week after the affair started, the captain was doing his rounds and found her inside one of the lifeboats. “What the hell are you doing here?” She explained what was going on. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he gets to screw me.” “He sure does, sweetheart. This is the Sydney Harbor Ferry.”


68. After my joke last week about the Holy Qur’an…

…I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this: “Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur’an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence.”

OK, there – I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?


69. Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property


70. I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


71. What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?

An RC-XD Sorry for such dark humor lol


72. An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn’t know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple. The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.


73. What did they say about the artist who completed suicide by jumping off a building?

Well, at least they finally made an impact on the world.


74. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday….

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”


75. How do you call a suicide bomber with Tourette’s?

A ticking time bomb


76. I called a suicide prevention line.

It connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I felt suicidal and they asked if I could drive a truck.


77. I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


78. I’m not worried about Muslim suicide bombers

They can only do it once. Those Hindu suicide bombers are the real threat.


79. I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate.

I guess I’m just not a ‘do-it-yourself’ kind of person.


80. A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.

The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops. Guest: no. I need a maintenance guy. Your window doesn’t open.


81. A suicide bomber went to heaven.

The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

“Hi, welcome. There are 72 very pure ladies waiting for you!” “I knew it! said the bomber. “Bring me the women!” The Angel smiled. “Who mentioned women?”


82. What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?

“Worst case of suicide I’ve ever seen”


83. I got fired from my job at the suicide hotline

Apparently, they aren’t familiar with the reverse psychology approach


84. Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.

I couldn’t help but think, it would work much better on the front.


85. How do you make an Italian, into a suicide bomber?



86. What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

Atleast one does something when it is triggered.


87. A suicide bomber training his new recruits:

“Okay, pay attention, I’m only going to show you this once”


88. What do suicidal people do in their spare time?

Hang out


89. Why did Henri Lautrec contemplate suicide?

Thought he had nothing else than Toulouse.


90. Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw the gas bill.


91. I tried to make a suicide joke

The room was dead silent


92. Suicide is illegal because ?

it’s a crime to destroy government property.


93. What do you call a Murder-suicide case?

Round 2


94. What do you call someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building?

A cliffhanger


95. She was what we used to call a suicide blonde

dyed by her own hand.


96. The Irish Outlaw a year ago

I believe “Self-Babtism” is a nice way of saying “Failed Suicide Attempt”


97. There’s nothing more depressing than,

a failed suicide attempt.


98. The more suicidal people there are

the fewer suicidal people there are


99. The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work…

He’s a suicide bomber.

100. What do you call a group of emos?

Suicide Squad.


101. Who’s the fastest reader

Me cause I’ll be jumping off so many stories


102. Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,”

and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.


103. Roses are red, I don’t know why,

Living is hard, I want to die.


104. Friend #1: “Yo guys, what’s the most unfair game you’ve ever played? For me it’s Fortnite.”

Friend #2: “I’d have to say Monopoly.”Me: “The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it’s a one-way game.” Friend #2: “Uhh…that’s not exactly what he meant…” Friend #1: calls the suicide hotline


105. What is the best cure for aging?



106. How did a blonde commit suicide

She jumped from the bas….t window


107. Suicidal people are a big contributor to

the rope-making industry


108. What do you do when life gives you lemons,

Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist.??????


109. To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression.

Must be working, cause I’m still here


110. These jokes cheered me up from suicide.

This is amazing material. God bless all of you.


111. What makes suicide illegal?

Getting caught.


112. I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me,

so i told him that may be true but you don’t wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder


113. There are so many things going through my head.

Sadly none of it is a 9mm.r


114. Suicide gives your security for the future. 

Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day and you can choose to postpone it.


115. If a person shoot’s a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful or is it murder?

Murder is the same as suicide except the other person is doing it for you


116. I once heard my dad shout I’m going to be like frozen and let it go

then I heard a gunshot


117. Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?

Dave: No. Jason: Well, he hit his first target.


118. What do Logan Paul, KSI, and the Japanese suicide victim have in common? 



119. I wanted to solve Teen Suicide, 

so I shot up a Middle School.


120. I’m going to hang myself in the bathroom at school

and put a note telling kids that I’m a piñata


121. A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?


122. What do you get when you have a annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room?

A happy ending


123. If you’re gonna razor yourself you might as well have

shaving cream.


124. Why did the feminist kill herself?

Because she was TRIGGERED.


125. A friend asked me, “Where are you going?”

I answered, “6 feet underground.”


126. Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone, 

but no one laughs when that person commits suicide


127. I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…i like when people say they hate me because we have something in common <3

Go commit neck rope


128. What is the difference between a suicidal person and you?

None, you are both dead on the inside.


129. What is a suicide packs favorite song…

Let the bodies hit floor


130. Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?

Museum girl: Committing suicide. Allan: What about Friday night?


131. Look in the mirror 

there’s a joke for you


132. Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can’t.

It’s also in a way kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wished to get with but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can’t or you just can’t…


133. When you are suicidal comedic relief sometimes helps. These jokes sometimes help you realize how many more people feel the way you do and how ridiculous it sounds sometimes.

But joke time…


134. I’m giving in my two week resignation to life… it’s not you … it’s me!!

But joke time…


135. What do you call a chicken who crossed the road…



136. ‘’ What place can you always find suicidal cows at? ‘’

“Mc Donald’s.”


137. Why do emo people want to be called scene now, 

the only thing I’ve scene from them is there suicide rate climbing


138. Why did Kayla go to the river when she was sad??

To drown herself


139. IDK if this is a joke or a question but If killing yourself sends you to hell

where does sitting in the waiting room get you?


140. I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi’s concerts…

I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.


141. Why did the chicken cross the road…

to get to the other side


142. All you need is a?

Razor Blade in life


143. To all of you who can’t understand using jokes as a coping mechanism…

you know what i will ask of you:) Go Kermit toaster bath


144. My dad told me I’m a failure… I failed a math’s test. 

Good thing there’s a pole outside my house.


145. I’m a fast reader,

I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.


146. What did the suicidal leperchaun say?

Irish i was dead


147. Don’t bother; 

just try to live in England.


148. Friend: Why don’t you cut your hair?

Me: Dunno, but i’ll probably cut my wrists first


149. Go commit

Thanos’ finger snap.

150. I talked to a future suicide bomber,

I told him, “ISIS ain’t got anything on me because I Planted a bomb and lived.”


151. On the lines of “I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous”,

I’m dying to live forever!


152. I got a lot running through my head right now 

I wish at least one was a 12 gauge round


153. friend: hits head* others: how many fingers am i holding up? me: to friend* how suicidal am i on a scale from one to ten? friend: ten me: hes fine guys

I wish at least one was a 12 gauge round


154. A random guy yelled at me, “Hey, sl*t!” I walked towards him. “I prefer slit.” I said. “Why?”

He asked. “You see these wrists?” I spat at him.


155. When I grow up I wanna be like lil peep…



156. How were tire swings made?

a tire said goodbye world and hung himself


157. Why did my wife leave me?

I wish I knew.


158. All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.


159. I don’t call it suicide.

I call it population control


160. What’s a depressed person’s favorite drink

Depresso espresso. Nah just kidding it’s bleach


161. I wanna be a Christmas decoration

cause they always do be hanging


162. To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple.

I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I’m still here.


163. If you jump off a bridge while crying, it’s suicide,

but if you jump off a bridge while screaming parquor it’s a failed stunt.


164. Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked…

My attempts in 2019,2020 and 2021!


165. I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt a suicide, guess what? 

I failed


166. What’s the best way to cure the hiccups?



167. Someone asked me if I’ve ever tried to kill myself. I responded, “Absolutely.

A few times actually. I’m just not very good at it.”


168. What do you call a group of Emo kids?

Suicide Squad


169. What jumps and never lets go?

An Emo kid.


170. I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.



171. Why do Emos want to be the “Scene” these days?

The only thing I’ve “Scene” from them is their suicide rate climbing, it’s starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.


172. You wanna hear a Suicide joke?

nvm it didn’t make it


173. I’m not suicidal I’m just

speedrunning life


174. People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. 

I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.


175. What’s a suicidal person’s favorite game?



176. I have a funny joke:

my life


177. What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?

If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed.


178.  A suicide bomber’s biggest fear is?

dying alone


179. My dad is like my depression

You need a suicide letter to find him.


180. When ur fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends.

Now u gotta fight the suicide squd


181. Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord,

I kept ALMOST dying.


182. Are you suicide?

Cause I’m tryna commit to you


183. Me telling my parents I’m depressed: my parents, ” no, ur just a little stressed and want attention, am i right?”

My depression is worsening, me: ” ya ur totally right mom…” Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide…..


184. I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes.

So I replied with “Don’t worry, it will all end soon”


185. Teacher : Who here has thought about committing suicide?

Half of the class : *raises hand* Teacher : … The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*


186. If you ask an artist how to commit suicide,

they will say a very creative way


187. Guy: My life is like a game, I should end it.

Guy 2: Is it a hard life?

Guy: Yup

Guy 2: Then you can’t kill yourself LOL. Guy 3: Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the “game”


187. Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class. Person 2: well you are the second. Person 2: maybe but at least i’m not the dumbest. Person 2: I know how to fix that! … 

Next day a person commits sucide…


188. Someone asked me why I’m Still here…the answer is simple:

I don’t want to be used as a school assembly..


189. What does a relationship and suicide have in common?

I always fail on committing


190. How do you get your grass to cut itself?

make it depressed


191. My friend committed suicide yesterday…

at least he went out with a bang


192. When you are suicidal comedic relief sometimes helps.

These jokes sometimes help you realize how many more people feel the way you do and how ridiculous it sounds sometimes.


193. But joke time….I’m giving in my two week resignation to life… 

it’s not you … it’s me!!!


194. Thankfully I’m still alive

because I fail at everything in life.


195. What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?

Suicide Boomer


196. Suicide is wrong but if you jump off a bridge and yell parkor

its a failed stunt.


197. I’m a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.

(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts


198. Will my suicidal thoughts, leave me too 

if i get attached to them?


199. “I’m thinking about killing off the main character in this book I’m writing.”

“What type of book is it?” “An autobiography.”

200. After long consideration, I’ve decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. 

Not like anyone will notice the difference.


201. What the worst thing about committing suicide,

You can only do it once


202. What’s the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself, 

It wasn’t Sooner


203. My friend said he wanted to die and I told him not to jump but

when he screamed hi i’m johnny Knoxville and welcome to jackass I knew it was over


204. Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope?

Because I really wanna HANG with you”


205. I’m jealous of my LED lights. 

Cause they’re hanging from the ceiling and i’m not.


206. What do you call when a friend calm his suicidal friend?

Hang in there buddy


207. My friend was on wheelchair……he committed suicide yesterday,

I remember when i met him last time he told us a good joke and i appreciated him and i told him to become stand up comedian.


208. Me telling depression and suicide joke in front of my friends. My friends: ……..

Oh wait , I don’t have any, so nothing to worry about here.


209. “Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death”?

Maybe in infidel America but…. it is #1 in the Glorious Iran


210. You call it suicide.

I call it a failed parkour attempt.


211. How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You Tell them it’s a leap of faith


212. Technically suicide is murder and murder is?

ilegal so if I kill myself my body should go to jail


213. On the lines of “I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous”,

I’m dying to live forever!


214. What do you call an emo kids suicide live stream?

America’s funniest home videos


215. A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid

Man: Hang in there! I’m gonna get some help!

Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said. RIP Daniel Kyre from Cyndago (July 6, 1994-September 18, 2015)


216. If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered suislide?

Asking for a friend.


217. Me: I have lost it.

Random: Lost what?

Me: My will to live.


218. Emo kids counting be like: 1,2,3 come hang with me! 4,5,6 Gonna get new slits! 

7,8,9 Suicide! 10,11,12 Bring some pills!


219. Imagine your new playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun:

Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide Me: aren’t they the same thing?


220. Dark jokes are like 

a new day suicidal people don’t get it


221. What’s the difference between a child and a suicider

One stays quiet forever…


222. The depressed kid wanted a high-five from the tree

but it left him hanging.


223. What’s the difference between a suicide bomber and puberty?

Puberty waits the blow up


224. Why did the ophan commit suicide?

so he could find home


225. Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her:

“Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me*


226. “What do you call my friend group?* 

*Suicide Squad*


227. Japanese people are so cool and organized

they have their own ways of suicide


228. If at first it doesn’t succeed,

try, try again.


229. My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. 

I said why…..he said so I could be extinct.


230. I know I’m valuable 

I come with a barcode


231. When you get caught about to shoot up the school.

*slowly puts AR to chin*


232. What are the wedding vows of a suicide bomber?

Till death do we park?


233. I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts,

and I’m all out of money


234. What did the bomber say to the jet?

Sorry bro, I gotta bomb. *WAIT NO-*



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