Suicide shouldn’t be the last thing you opt to do, no matter how hard things get. Always seek for professional help when things get tough. You can check in with a doctor or even sit with a therapist to unpack and gain tools to deal well with your mental health.
Funny Suicide Jokes and Puns
Like the old adage goes; laughter is the best medicine. We have compiled hilarious jokes and puns that best suit this context.
As we laugh out loud at our hysterical suicide jokes and puns, let us prioritize being our brother’s and sister’s lifesavers. Also, in the same light, remember to check our list of Psychology jokes as well.
1. The only person that keeps me from committing suicide
2. The Suicide prevention hotline in my country is truly a lifesaver.
3. Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god. God:”You already know you’re going to hell, but before that I’ll give you one wish.” Hitler:”Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man.”
4. A terrorist commander is interviewing for a suicide bomber position…
“So good news-there is a sudden vacancy. We couldn’t track down any of your recs, which is great. I just have one final question-where do you see yourself in the …
5. Suicide jokes don’t fly with most people
6. Why do Gardeners commit suicide?
7. My mum told me to stop telling suicidal jokes.
8. Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…
– My friend received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
– CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
– Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
– McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
– Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
– Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
– A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
– A picture is now only worth 200 words.
– The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
– I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty
9. Suicide is not a joke, get help
10. Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
11. I’ve realized that suicide would solve all my problems….
12. An old woman decided she’s had enough of life and wanted to commit suicide…
… She decided she was going to shoot herself in the heart. So she calls her doctor and asks him “Doctor, where is the heart located in the body?”
13. When is the best time to commit suicide?
14. A man goes into a library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide…
15. Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they’re lazy, unfunny and useless
17. What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber ?
18. My wife said to me “If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me”
19. Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or…
20. Tried committing suicide last night…
21. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
22. A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide
A homeless man walks by her and says
“what are you doing?”
she says “i’m going to jump!”
the homeless man says
23. If you call the suicide prevention line and they don’t answer what do you do?
24. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?
She sat in her running car
And closed the garage
25. I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest
26. The problem with suicide jokes
27. Them: “don’t you think you’ll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older
28. My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever
There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly.
28. A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.
29. Is your nickname suicide?
30. I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
31. A guy threatens to jump off the balcony of a penthouse bar. As the crowd gathers around, a regular sitting at the bar turns to the guy next to him and says “Fifty bucks he doesn’t do it.” Lo and behold the man falls to his death, and the regular pays up. The following day, the bar TV broadcasts the man who committed suicide on the news. The regular turns to another guy next to him, and says “Fifty bucks he doesn’t do it.”
32. If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide this morning
33. How did the philosopher commit political suicide?
34. What’s suicide bombers’ biggest fear?
35. Why did the French chef commit suicide?
36. I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
37. How do homeopaths do suicide?
38. So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you’re going on a suicide mission so don’t fail us. The terrorist replied: I’m prepared to die!!
39. BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:
40. I think the suicide hotline is sponsored by Nike.
41. An old farmer in the olden days committed suicide in the most generic way possible
42. When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.
43. What do you call a Russian suicide bommer?
44. Suicide booths are 50% off
45. What do Eminem and Suicide bombers have in common?
46. A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.
47. How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?
48. I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.
49. Why don’t libraries have books about suicide?
50. An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide.
He approached her.
She: “Don’t come near me!!”
Old man :” Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?”
She shrieked “Over my dead body,you filthy pervert”. Old man said “Ok,if that’s the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bottom” and then he walked away.
51. What does a Russian FSB agent say when he finds an Oligarch shot 13 times?
52. I can’t believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold.
53. A peach murder-suicides his wife and children…
Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives at the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.
54. 3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.
The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.
Fairy: “If anyone of you is able to satisfy me sexually, I’ll bring the cow back from the dead.” Brother 1 takes her into the jungle and comes back with her after 1 hour. The fairy says she’s not impressed. Brother 2 takes her into the jungle and comes back with her after 3 hours. The fairy says she’s still not impressed.
55. I’m a suicidal perfectionist…
56. I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.
57. Unfortunately, my father committed suicide a few years ago now
58. There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.”
59. How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?
60. Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem
61. 3 Scotsmen
Sitting on the Firth of Fourth road bridge about to commit suicide by jumping into the raging waters 100s of feet below. First one says to the guy next to him: Why are you going to jump?
He says: My wife makes me the same lunch sandwich every day – cheese and pickles – and I hate both. I can’t go on living like this.
62. Suicide stop
Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,”Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?” She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!” While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked . . . “Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .why don’t you give ol’ George here your best last kiss?”
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
63. It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There’s a joke about it but it’s wildly inappropriate.
64. Why did the dolphin commit suicide?
65. At the border controls between the US and Mexico two U.S. border agents discover a hanged suicide on a tree just before closing time. “If we report this, we won’t be home in four hours,” says one.
“You know what?” says the other, “we’ll just hang him over to the Mexicans and call it a day!” No sooner said than done.
66. I just read about a group of suicide bombers that were dressed like clowns.
67. A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.
She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her. “Don’t do it!” he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer. “What’s wrong?” he asked. The woman told him.
“Okay, here’s the thing,” he said. “I’m a crew member on a ship that leaves for Europe tomorrow morning. How about you come with me on the ship? I’ll bring you food and drink.” He slid his arm around her. “I keep you happy, you keep me happy.” She agreed. After all, there wasn’t much else to do. She didn’t have a family. The man was quite handsome as well. No harm in trying.
68. After my joke last week about the Holy Qur’an…
…I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this: “Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur’an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence.”
69. Why is suicide illegal in China?
70. I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..
71. What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?
72. An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.
She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn’t know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.
73. What did they say about the artist who completed suicide by jumping off a building?
74. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday….
75. How do you call a suicide bomber with Tourette’s?
76. I called a suicide prevention line.
77. I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan
78. I’m not worried about Muslim suicide bombers
79. I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate.
80. A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:
and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.
81. A suicide bomber went to heaven.
The Angel at the front desk greeted him.
82. What did the county Sheriff say about the black man who was shot 15 times?
83. I got fired from my job at the suicide hotline
84. Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.
85. How do you make an Italian, into a suicide bomber?
86. What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
87. A suicide bomber training his new recruits:
88. What do suicidal people do in their spare time?
89. Why did Henri Lautrec contemplate suicide?
90. Why did Hitler commit suicide?
91. I tried to make a suicide joke
92. Suicide is illegal because ?
93. What do you call a Murder-suicide case?
94. What do you call someone who wants to commit suicide by jumping off a building?
95. She was what we used to call a suicide blonde
96. The Irish Outlaw a year ago
97. There’s nothing more depressing than,
98. The more suicidal people there are
99. The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work…
100. What do you call a group of emos?
101. Who’s the fastest reader
102. Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,”
103. Roses are red, I don’t know why,
104. Friend #1: “Yo guys, what’s the most unfair game you’ve ever played? For me it’s Fortnite.”
105. What is the best cure for aging?
106. How did a blonde commit suicide
107. Suicidal people are a big contributor to
108. What do you do when life gives you lemons,
109. To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression.
110. These jokes cheered me up from suicide.
111. What makes suicide illegal?
112. I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me,
113. There are so many things going through my head.
114. Suicide gives your security for the future.
115. If a person shoot’s a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful or is it murder?
116. I once heard my dad shout I’m going to be like frozen and let it go
117. Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide?
118. What do Logan Paul, KSI, and the Japanese suicide victim have in common?
119. I wanted to solve Teen Suicide,
120. I’m going to hang myself in the bathroom at school
121. A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.
After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.
122. What do you get when you have a annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room?
123. If you’re gonna razor yourself you might as well have
124. Why did the feminist kill herself?
125. A friend asked me, “Where are you going?”
126. Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone,
127. I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…i like when people say they hate me because we have something in common <3
128. What is the difference between a suicidal person and you?
129. What is a suicide packs favorite song…
130. Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
131. Look in the mirror
132. Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can’t.
133. When you are suicidal comedic relief sometimes helps. These jokes sometimes help you realize how many more people feel the way you do and how ridiculous it sounds sometimes.
134. I’m giving in my two week resignation to life… it’s not you … it’s me!!
135. What do you call a chicken who crossed the road…
136. ‘’ What place can you always find suicidal cows at? ‘’
137. Why do emo people want to be called scene now,
138. Why did Kayla go to the river when she was sad??
139. IDK if this is a joke or a question but If killing yourself sends you to hell
140. I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi’s concerts…
141. Why did the chicken cross the road…
142. All you need is a?
143. To all of you who can’t understand using jokes as a coping mechanism…
144. My dad told me I’m a failure… I failed a math’s test.
145. I’m a fast reader,
146. What did the suicidal leperchaun say?
147. Don’t bother;
148. Friend: Why don’t you cut your hair?
149. Go commit
150. I talked to a future suicide bomber,
151. On the lines of “I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous”,
152. I got a lot running through my head right now
153. friend: hits head* others: how many fingers am i holding up? me: to friend* how suicidal am i on a scale from one to ten? friend: ten me: hes fine guys
154. A random guy yelled at me, “Hey, sl*t!” I walked towards him. “I prefer slit.” I said. “Why?”
155. When I grow up I wanna be like lil peep…
156. How were tire swings made?
157. Why did my wife leave me?
158. All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.
159. I don’t call it suicide.
160. What’s a depressed person’s favorite drink
161. I wanna be a Christmas decoration
162. To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple.
163. If you jump off a bridge while crying, it’s suicide,
164. Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked…
165. I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt a suicide, guess what?
166. What’s the best way to cure the hiccups?
167. Someone asked me if I’ve ever tried to kill myself. I responded, “Absolutely.
168. What do you call a group of Emo kids?
169. What jumps and never lets go?
170. I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.
171. Why do Emos want to be the “Scene” these days?
172. You wanna hear a Suicide joke?
173. I’m not suicidal I’m just
174. People sometimes ask me why I cut myself.
175. What’s a suicidal person’s favorite game?
176. I have a funny joke:
177. What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?
178. A suicide bomber’s biggest fear is?
179. My dad is like my depression
180. When ur fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends.
181. Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord,
182. Are you suicide?
183. Me telling my parents I’m depressed: my parents, ” no, ur just a little stressed and want attention, am i right?”
184. I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes.
185. Teacher : Who here has thought about committing suicide?
186. If you ask an artist how to commit suicide,
187. Guy: My life is like a game, I should end it.
Guy 2: Is it a hard life?
187. Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class. Person 2: well you are the second. Person 2: maybe but at least i’m not the dumbest. Person 2: I know how to fix that! …
188. Someone asked me why I’m Still here…the answer is simple:
189. What does a relationship and suicide have in common?
190. How do you get your grass to cut itself?
191. My friend committed suicide yesterday…
192. When you are suicidal comedic relief sometimes helps.
193. But joke time….I’m giving in my two week resignation to life…
194. Thankfully I’m still alive
195. What do you call a 60 year old with a bomb?
196. Suicide is wrong but if you jump off a bridge and yell parkor
197. I’m a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.
198. Will my suicidal thoughts, leave me too
199. “I’m thinking about killing off the main character in this book I’m writing.”
200. After long consideration, I’ve decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist.
201. What the worst thing about committing suicide,
202. What’s the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself,
203. My friend said he wanted to die and I told him not to jump but
204. Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope?
205. I’m jealous of my LED lights.
206. What do you call when a friend calm his suicidal friend?
207. My friend was on wheelchair……he committed suicide yesterday,
208. Me telling depression and suicide joke in front of my friends. My friends: ……..
209. “Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death”?
210. You call it suicide.
211. How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?
212. Technically suicide is murder and murder is?
213. On the lines of “I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous”,
214. What do you call an emo kids suicide live stream?
215. A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid
Man: Hang in there! I’m gonna get some help!
216. If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered suislide?
217. Me: I have lost it.
Random: Lost what?
218. Emo kids counting be like: 1,2,3 come hang with me! 4,5,6 Gonna get new slits!
219. Imagine your new playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun:
220. Dark jokes are like
221. What’s the difference between a child and a suicider
222. The depressed kid wanted a high-five from the tree
223. What’s the difference between a suicide bomber and puberty?
224. Why did the ophan commit suicide?
225. Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her:
226. “What do you call my friend group?*
227. Japanese people are so cool and organized
228. If at first it doesn’t succeed,
229. My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur.
230. I know I’m valuable
231. When you get caught about to shoot up the school.
232. What are the wedding vows of a suicide bomber?
233. I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts,
234. What did the bomber say to the jet?