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270+ Funniest Fart Jokes and Puns

Funniest Fart Jokes and Puns

‘Have you ever chuckled so hard at your friend’s joke that you farted accidentally?’ Good things fart are not contagious like yawns, but we can spread laughter.’

Fart jokes and puns are perfect for any scent of humor. From wacky comedy to tongue-in-cheek puns, there’s something in store for every flatulence freak here.

Funniest Fart Jokes and Puns

Whether you were looking for a light-hearted giggle or actual fart jokes for your kids, these jokes are sure to hit the spot. And worry not, these punny fart jokes and puns certainly don’t stink! They’re a breath of purified air!

 Let’s kick it off with some subtle fart jokes that start as regular jokes but end in a gaseous explosion.  

 

1. How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don’t cause a reaction.

 

2. What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common.

 

3. Smell you later,

alligator.

 

4. Why doesn’t James Bond fart in bed?

Because it’ll blow his cover.

 

5. (Said very loudly) — EXCUSE ME. (When everyone looks)

Oh, my bottom just burped

 

6. Scientists have just discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.

They say it’s a blast from the past!

 

7. I just released my own perfume. 

Nobody in the van seemed to like it.

 

8. An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, 

“I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”

 

9. The husband says, 

“Change the battery in your hearing aid.”

 

10. Remember, kid, you never fart.

You just giggle with your butthole.

 

11. What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?

A private tutor.

 

12. Kill your enemies with joy and kindness, but don’t forget to fart as you walk away.

I farted in front of my son.

 

13. He said, “That sounded like a duck!”

I told him, “That’s because I have a butt quack.”

 

14. There are no winners when cauliflower and Brussels sprout farts are involved.

I farted in my wallet.

 

15. Now I have gas money.

I don’t fart. That was just a whisper in my undies.

 

16. My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.

He said, “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”

 

17. Never fart outside when it is cold; 

you will only produce snowflakes.

 

18. If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

 

19. My only goal as a child was to fart loud enough 

to set off a car alarm.

 

20. What do you call a replacement fart?

A substi-toot

 

21. Happiness comes from within the body and soul;

that’s why it feels so good to fart.

 

22. I farted in Burger King.

It was an absolute whopper.

 

23. If Bozo the clown farts,

does it smell funny?

 

24. I was standing next to a clown and he farted.

It smelled funny.

 

25. Just yell: 3, 2, 1 — 

bottom blastoff!

 

26. Farting in a packed elevator…

It’s wrong on so many levels.

 

27. Never fart in the cheese aisle at the grocery store. 

A couple once came up to me and started complimenting the cheese on how good it smelled.

 

28. What do cow farts smell like?

Fresh derrière.

 

29. I just put gas in the van;

you might want to crack a sunroof.

 

30. I was teaching my daughter manners and telling her why it’s impolite to fart next to people when I realized…

I was giving her a toot-orial.

 

31. A lady never poops while farting; 

those are just butt dumplings.

 

32. What do you call a murderer that can’t stop farting?

Jack the Ripper.

 

33. You always see the mice around me cause

I’m always cutting the cheese.

 

34. Witches don’t fart…

They cast smells.

 

35. As life walks by, 

don’t forget to smell the air tulips

 

36. Why did the truck driver finally stop farting?

He ran out of gas.

 

37. An unexpected side effect of Taquito Tuesday?

Wet fart Wednesday!

 

38. What do you call a caveman’s fart?

A blast from the past.

 

39. I farted on my debit card,

now I have gas money.

 

40. What do you call a smart fart?

Asstoot

 

41. I once farted at the cinema during an explosion.

The whole theater had to be evacuated due to a gas leak.

 

42. I got a new deodorant stick today. The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom.”

I can barely walk, but every time I fart the room smells great!

 

43. All farts are?

laughing gas

 

44. What happens to someone who farts in church?

They have to sit in their own pew.

 

45. Cow farts come from,

the dairy air.

 

46. I came up with the funniest fart joke ever.

I’ve been holding it in for days!

 

47. Remember the key to social distancing:

if you can smell their fart, you need to move further apart.

 

48. A fart was walking down the street when it saw another fart crying and asked, “What’s wrong?”

The other fart replied, “My boss let me go.”

 

49. Next time you fart, look at the nearest person and say, 

“did you hear that butthole talk crap behind my back?”

50. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, you must never hold in a fart. 

It will travel to your brain and cause you to have a crappy idea.

 

51. What do you call it when someone notices that you farted?

An asstoot observation.

 

52. My cat doesn’t always fart when I have company over,

but when he does, he makes sure to trek out of the room, so everyone thinks it’s me.

 

53. I wish I had a dollar for every time I farted.

I’d be stinkin’ rich.

 

54. Have you ever looked at someone while they’re doing something cute, 

like baking or reading a book, and smile because they don’t know you farted yet?

 

55. A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.” “My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.” The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?” The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me. My farts are still silent, but oh my, they stink!!”

The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”

 

56. I went to an iMac store and farted.

All the customers got mad at me because they didn’t have any Windows.

 

57. An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”

 

58. You know how you can tell when there is a pilot in a room?

Punch Line: He’ll tell you!

 

59. What do you call a teacher that doesn’t fart in public?

A private tutor (tooter)

 

60. Grandma and grandpa where watching healing service on TV. The Pastor told all who wanted to be healed to put on hand on the TV and the other hand on a body part that wanted healing. Grandma slowly put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic shoulder. Grandpa too got up, put one hand on the TV and the other on his private parts. 

Grandma looked at him and says… “Dear, I guess you just don’t get it do you? The purpose is to heal the sick NOT to raise the dead”“!

 

61. Confucius say, man who fart in church.

Sit in own pew.

 

62. You might be a redneck if?

Your face mask is made up of coffee filters and duct tape.

 

63. An old woman decides to get physical after a number of years. While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said “Ok, that’s great”, finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks. When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful.

“Good” he said. “Now that we’ve cleared out your sinuses let’s work on your hearing.”

 

64. What’s the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead dog in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

 

65. What does the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force

 

66. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

 

67. Yo mama’s so fat she went to Jenny Craig 

and the only thing she lost was $19.99

 

68. I farted in a room of hipsters

I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

 

69. If you get farted on during a fight… Guess what?

You loose that fight!

 

70. A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.

 

71. If you boil a funny bone, it’s a laughing stock, 

that’s humerous!

 

72. Why do men fart more than women?

Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

 

73. A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says I think I might be a type O!

 

74. If farting under the covers is a Dutch oven…

is doing it in the shower a German oven?

 

75. Your voice reminds me of a fart. 

It smells and nobody likes it.

 

76. What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.

 

77. “Yoga”, a Hindi word meaning?

I hope I don’t fart.

 

78. What’s the difference between a woman and a Fridge?

A Fridge doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

 

79. Why is the dog man’s best friend?

So he has to have someone to blame the farts on.

 

80. A guy is in a waiting room and has to fart, so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him.

He takes out his headphones and says “what?”

 

81. Why fart and waste it, 

when you can burp and taste it?

 

82. What do farts and children have in common?

You love your own, but hate everyone else’s.

 

83. Why don’t women fart?

They can’t keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.

 

84. I farted in front of a Jewish friend

He got offended but i said ” c’mon a little gas never killed anybody”

 

85. What do you call it when George Thorogood farts on a throne?

Air to the bone

 

86. Why do Farts Smell so Bad?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

 

87. What do you call a man who makes fart scented candles?

Incense-itive.

 

88. It’s never EVER a good idea to fart during a 69.

That’s how they found me underneath their bed.

 

89. The EU is much like a bad fart. 

Better out than in.

 

90. I farted on the bus today and four people turned around

I felt like I was on the voice.

 

91. Thought I could safely force a fart, 

but it backfired.

 

92. I just farted so hard that blood came out

of the person behind me.

 

93. Why should February 10th be National Fart Day?

Because it’s 2/10

 

94. Farts are like children

I’m proud of mine but disgusted by yours

 

95. I was startled by a loud fart. 

I was fartled.

 

96. What is it called when a prairie dog sees its shadow?

Total Eclipse of a fart.

 

97. What do you call a Hooker’s fart?

A prosti-toot.

 

98. Do you know why single women can’t fart?

Because they don’t get a$&holes until they are married.

 

99. Old lady in a fancy restaurant leans over to her hubby and says , I’ve done a silent fart what should I do?

Husband says ‘change the batteries in your hearing aids

100. Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when it’s not their own.

 

101. A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy’s, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume. She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.

 

102. What’s the difference between a pun and a fart?

A pun is a shift of wit.

 

103. What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter

 

104. Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?” I farted in class and the teacher threw me out. The principle asks him again, Well then, why are you laughing?

Because those idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I’m outside in the fresh air.”

 

105. Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart.

Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

 

106. Do you know why women fart after they pee?

They can’t shake it so they need to blow dry.

 

107. The Queen was riding in an open carriage with the American Ambassador when one of the horses let out an enormous fart. The Queen turns to the Ambassador and says “My goodness, I do apologise”

“That’s OK Ma’am, I thought it was the horse”

 

108. What did the mountain lion say when it had to fart?

Puma finger.

 

109. They say I fart like the pharaohs…

I guess you could say we have a Tutankhamun.

 

110. What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common

 

111. What’s invisible and smells like dead grass?

A goat’s fart.

 

112. An old man is put into a nursing home by his daughter… He sits in the common lounge room and leans to the left. A nurse aide runs over and stops him from falling from his chair and straitens him up. A few minutes later He starts leaning to the right – but again a nurse aide runs over and straitens him up. Later, his daughter calls in to see how he is settling.

I quite like this place he says but they don’t let you fart…

 

113. A fart and a relationship have on important thing in common.

If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

 

114. I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod (with ear piece)

 

115. I promised myself I would never tell another fart joke...

…but sometimes they just sneak out.

 

116. The French Ambassador was on a visit to the U.K. During one stage of the visit, he was travelling in the Royal Carriage with Her Majesty the Queen. Suddenly, one of the horses let out a tremendously loud and powerful fart. “Oh dear, one can only apologise!” Said the Queen. 

The French Ambassador was shocked. “I thought it was the horse!”

 

117. What’s worse than fart?

When a fart becomes a shart.

 

118. What is a fart?

It is very simply the lonely cry of a turd that has been abandoned.

 

119. Why are silent farts called ninja farts?

They are silent but deadly.

 

120. How did the beans wish their father on Father’s day?

Happy Farter’s day!

 

121. Why don’t farts perform well at school?

Because the fart gets expelled.

 

122. What did one fly sitting on the poop say to another when it farted?

“Hey, I am trying to eat here!”

 

123. Why is a fart on kickstart?

Because it needs some gas.

 

124. What did poop say to the fart?

“You blow me away.”

 

125. What do you get if you eat a meal with beans and onions?

Tear gas.

 

126. What did the baby diaper say to the fart in the thank you note?

“You are the wind beneath my wings!”

 

127. What do you say to the fart that startles you?

“I am fartled by you.”

 

128. What do you do to get a bubble bath after dinner?

Just have beans for dinner.

 

129. What is the definition of bravery?

To take the chance of farting while suffering from diarrhea.

 

130. Why did the chicken cross the road?

She didn’t want other chickens to accuse her of the silent but deadly farts.

 

131. Why do people think Piglet farts?

Because he hangs around with Pooh.

 

132. Why shouldn’t you fart while scuba diving?

The bubbles show off the hilarious farts.

 

133. What blessing would you give someone who wants to fart but you don’t want them to?

“May your farts stay in you”.

 

134. Why would the chicken cross the road?

Because of the chick beside her who farts

 

135. Which one of the fart quotes suits a farter person the best?

“Fart is like brilliance, it bothers everyone when it’s not theirs.”

 

136. Why did the woman stop telling a joke about her fart?

Because she was told it stinks.

 

137. Why are farts more than 0lbs in weight dangerous?

Because if they weigh anything more than that, they are just sharts.

 

138. What would you call a fart in Germany?

‘Farfrompoopin’.

 

139. Why did God create a fart and added smell to it?

Just so that the people who can’t hear it don’t feel left out.

 

140. What would one experience first if someone farts while traveling, a sound or smell?

The person who farts.

 

141. What would you say if you fart and people around you look annoyed?

“I would tell you a joke about farts, but I’ve run out of gas”.

 

142. What would the other artistic word for a fart be?

It most certainly would be called an art of breaking wind loudly.

 

143. What do you do when you feel like no one ever listens to you?

You just look around the room and let out a loud fart!

 

144. What can you possibly do to make the world stop laughing at you?

Just as the saying goes, laugh and the world laughs at you, so if you just fart and the whole world will stop laughing.

 

145. Why can farts be good spies?

Because the can be silent and deadly when needed.

 

146. What situation could possibly make one of the best birthday fart jokes?

If the person who ate too many skittles starts to fart rainbows.

 

147. Why would it smell funny in a circus?

Because the clown farted.

 

148. How would you biologically call a fart?

It is just a kiss from the intestines.

 

149. What would you say if someone is farting while doing yoga?

The farting yoga.

150. What do the scuba divers worry about?

A shart attack.

 

151. Why are farts the sharpest things in the world?

Because they go through the pant without creating any holes.

 

152. What would Britney Spears say after, as usual, she let one rip?

“Oops, I did it again.”

 

153. Why can’t skeletons fart in public?

Because they don’t have the guts.

 

154. What would you say if someone farted in a time machine?

A blast from the past.

 

155. Why does farting feel so good?

Because happiness comes from within.

 

156. What would a bad idea from a brilliant person be called?

A brain fart.

 

157. What happens when one holds in a fart for too long?

You won’t die, you will just feel breezy inside.

 

158. Why are earphones not advised while farting?

Because wearing earphones is not going to silence your farts.

 

159. Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

A fart.

A fart, who?

Not so funny for the guy behind you

 

160. What would a brain be called if not a single piece of information could ever be retrieved from there?

 

161. Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Guess.

Guess who?

Guess, I am getting a fart attack.

 

162. Yo momma’s so fat, when she farted, 

she launched herself into orbit.

 

163. Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Never.

Never who?

Never turn down the fart.

 

164. Three dead men go to hell at the same time.

Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can’t do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. 

After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his buttocks, and says, “Nope, this one.”

 

165. Say, “Do I smell popcorn?” right after you fart. 

So everybody takes a big whiff.

 

166. I recently saw a girl standing by a tree and I said “Why so lonely cutie?”

She said “I came here to fart.”

 

167. If you ever fart in public, just yell, 

“Turbo power!”

 

168. Yo mama so old she farts dust and, 

shits rust.

 

169. Sometimes… when you cry … no one sees your tears… sometimes… when you are happy… no one sees your smile… 

But fart just one time…

 

170. Yo momma is so nasty when she farts,

the smoke alarm goes off.

 

171. A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!” The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger!” Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.

This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”

 

172. Yo momma so fat, every time she farts

global warming becomes worse.

 

173. Yo momma so fat that when she farted, 

the second Big Bang occurred.

 

174. There were three guys in a hot air balloon, one said “We have too many of these.” And droped a piece of wood. The second guy said “We have too many of these.” And droped a brick. The last guy said “We have too many of these.” And droped a bomb.

On the ground was a police officer who found a guy crying, “Why are you crying?” “A plank of wood hit me on the head!” he replies. On the officer went. He then saw another guy crying, “Why are you crying?”

“A brick hit me on the head!” he replied. On he goes then sees a guy laughing. “Why are you laughing?” He asked. “I farted and the building behind me blew up!”

 

175. Your momma is so fat, 

when she farts even Krakatoa is jealous.

 

176. ‘Girls Night Out’ One night my girls invited me out. I promised my husband I’d be home by midnight. Hours passed and margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 AM (a bit loaded) I headed home. Just as I got in the cuckoo clock chimed 3 times. Afraid my hubby would wake I quickly cuckooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution. The next morning he asked what time I got in. I said “MIDNIGHT!” He seemed fine so I thought I’d gotten away with it. Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” 

When I asked why he said “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, said ‘oh shit’, cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 times again, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

 

177. Bill gates farted on an -Apple- store and stunk up the place,

but its their fault for not having -Windows-

 

178. Your momma’s so stupid when my car ran out of gas

she came over and farted in the tank.

 

179. A man hires a hooker and they go back to his house. The man says I have never had a 69 before. The hooker says okay lets try that. they get into position and she farts. the hooker says o i’m sorry, i don’t know whats gotten into me. she goes into the bathroom to freshen up. she comes out and gets into position and again she farts. she says sorry i don/t know whats gotten into me.let me go freshen up . she gets into position again and she farts she says sorry let me go freshen up.

The man says don’t worry i don’t want 67 more of those.

 

180. Three guys are skydiving and the first guy throws a brick out the window, the second guy throws a stone out the window, and the third guy throws a grenade out the window. When they land they decide to go walk into town, so they are walking down the street until they see a woman crying. The first guy asks, “Whats wrong?” The woman says, “A brick fell out the sky and killed my cat.” So they continue down the street then see a young boy crying. The second guy asks, “Whats wrong?” The boy said that a stone fell out of the sky and killed his dog. They continue down the road until they see the man laughing his ass off. The third guy asks, “Whats so funny?”

The man says, “I bent down to pick up my news paper and I farted and my house blew up.”

 

181. Yo mama’s breath is so bad people look forward to

her farts!

 

182. The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word “definitely” in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, “Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?” 

The teacher says, “Of course not Johnny.” To which Johnny replies, “Then I have definitely s**t my pants.”

 

183. There are 3 men on a plane a Mexican an American and a Russian the Mexican says “I hate my country!” And throughs a soup out the window the American says “I hate my country” and throughs a pie out the window. The Russian says “I hate my country!” And throughs a bomb out the window. Then the plane lands and the Mexican sees a kid crying the Mexican says “what’s wrong kid?” The kid says “a soup fell on my mom’s head and she burnt to death.” “I didn’t do that” says the Mexican. the American was walking and saw a kid crying “what’s wrong kid?” The kid says “my mom was driving and a pie fell on her windshield and drove off a cliff cause she couldn’t see!!”

“I didn’t do that” says the American. then the Russian gets off the plane and saw a kid laughing his head off. The Russian says “what’s so funny?” The kid says ” daddy farted and the house went BOOM BOOM!!!!”

 

184. An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, “So how has life been treating you?”

The old man replies, “The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I’m finished, he turns the light off.” While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, “Damn it! The old fart’s been pissing in the ice box again!”

 

185. Yo mamma so poor when she farted she said:

“Clap your hands stomp your feet praise the lord cause we have heat.”

 

186. The Russians thought that America

was starting a nuclear war when Chuck Norris farted!

 

187. Yo mama so fat the National Hurricane Center named,

each of her farts.

 

188. What’s invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

 

189. Fart when someone hugs you, 

it makes them feel strong.

 

190. That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke

you end up farting accidently.

 

191. Why do women fart after they take a piss?

Because they can’t shake it, so they blow dry it.

 

192. It’s a good thing farts aren’t “contagious”

like yawns.

 

193. Prince: so nice to meet you, your beautiful face is making me dizzy. *farts*

Princess: did you just fart

Prince: i was just blowing you a kiss.

By Meza pants so that my friends will know

 

194. Embarrassing Fart Story. Here’s one that a lot of y’all can probably relate to. I’m probably gonna add more to it at some point……..

One day in third grade we were all sitting on the carpet listening to our teacher read something. My stomach hadn’t been too kind to me that day. ……. You know… read more

 

195. What do you call it when someone farts in a Gay Bar?

Mating call

 

196. Your friend might secretly be a member of ISIS if…

You drop a horrendous fart and he claims ownership of it.

 

197. Three men are offered a chance to get out of Hell.

Smartest scientist alive, asks God the hardest science question he has ever thought of. God answered correct, as he is God. The last guy, some random dude, comes up and pokes three holes in the ground. He farts, with his butthole pointed towards the middle hole. He then asks God which hole that fart went through. God answers, “the middle hole!” And then the last guy responds, “wrong! It’s the one in my body!” That’s how he got out of Hell.

 

198. Life is like a fart. 

It comes and goes away.

 

199. Tell your favorite fart joke growing up. More terrible the better. Three men jumped out of an airplane. The first one jumped and dropped a penny. When he landed, he found a boy crying, and asked him why he was crying. He of course said, a penny fell on his head. A second man jumped and dropped an apple. He found another kid crying, and he asked why. The boy said an apple hit him in the head. The third man jumped and dropped a grenade. He found a boy laughing his eyes out when he landed. He asked the boy what was so funny and he said, “When I farted, my house blew up.”

Third grade forever

200. Everytime yo mamma farts the tsunami warning sirens go off,

in Japan

 

201. Yo mama so nasty her farts are classified 

as biological weapons

 

202. Some Exes are like farts…

By the time you realized they’re actually waste its already too late.

 

203. A Woman Walks Into A Cafe. A woman goes to a cafe and takes a seat outside. While she’s eating, she overhears a group of men at the next table. “Look, let’s go with the simple option. It’s spelled W-O-O-M.” “No, I’m sure there’s an R in there. W-O-O-M-R.” “I thought it was longer than that, and had a B. W-O-O-M-M-B-R-R.” you’re looking for is W-O-M-B, womb.” With that she walks off, the men staring after her. Finally, one of the men turns back to the others. “Do you think she’s right?”

“Of course not. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t suppose she’s ever heard an elephant fart.”

 

204. Ole and Sven and two Swedish girls.

“Of course not. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t suppose she’s ever heard an elephant fart.” says, ‘Dunno, but I’m drunk enuf to ast. Let’s go!’ Lena answers and says, ‘Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!’ Lena is shocked by this and immediately throws them out, slamming the door with a bang! Ole is persistent. He knocks on the door again. Lena isn’t stupid. She knows it’s them and says, ‘Ole, if you’re gonna be so rude and forward, you’ll have to talk through the keyhole.’ Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, ‘OK, ven you girls gonna make out vit us?’ Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts in it. As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, ‘Vell… Ole, vut did she say?’ Ole says, ‘Vell, I tink she said…. FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath is so bad, I’m not askin’ again.’

 

205. A Boy Meets His Girlfriend’s Dad for the First Time…own and only silence remains. Suddenly, Jimmy feels the need to fart. He doesn’t know what to do as he doesn’t want to disgust his girlfriend’s father. He lets out a little poot. “Rover!” yells the dad. Relieved that the father thinks the dog farted, Jimmy lets out a louder, smellier fart. Again, the dad yells “Rover!” Jimmy, full of confidence, lets out the biggest, wettest, smelliest fart one has ever experience. The father yells out a final time:

“Rover, you better move from under that boy, he’s going to crap on you!”

 

206. I farted at work the other day and my coworker started trying to open the window.

It must have been a really bad one – we work on a submarine.

 

207. A preacher, a librarian, and a soldier…out several of his favorite books. And the soldier threw out some grenades. Upon landing, the group encountered a little boy who was crying. “What’s wrong?” asked the preacher. The boy responded, “I was playing with that little girl over there and some wooden crosses fell on my head!” The preacher, realizing his mistake, stayed with the boy to comfort him. The librarian and the soldier continued to walk to the nearest town. On the way, they noticed a little girl who was in tears. “What is the matter?” asked the librarian. The girl answered, “I was playing with that little boy over there and some books fell on my head!” Feeling guilty, the librarian chose to stay with her.

The soldier continued to the town on his own. When he reached the town, he saw a boy on a bench, dying of laughter. “What is so funny, the soldier asked?” The boy responded, “I just sat on this bench and farted and then the building behind me blew up!”

 

208. The teacher asks Little Billy to use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence.

Little Billy replies, “Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?” The Teacher says, “Of course not Billy,” To which Billy replies, “Then I must have messed my pants then…”

 

209.  Donald Meets The Queen of England!

Together the Queen of England and Donald Trump proceeded to Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by six white horses. Regrettably, the rear horse let go of a putrid and lingering fart. The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant, and the Queen turned to Donald and said: “Mister Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.” Donald quickly replied: 

“Please don’t give it a second thought Your Majesty; but I must tell you, I really thought it was one of the horses”.

 

210. Another fart joke that includes a doctor.

A man goes to the doctor to tell him about his recent extreme flatulence. He is constantly farting as he tells the doctor about his problem. At one point, the Doctor excuses himself leaves the room and comes back with a six-foot-long pole with a hook on the end. The man says “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT???”

The Doctor answers, “Open a window!”

 

211. I used to love farting in lifts.

Until I discovered saunas.

 

212. An old couple had been married for many years. They loved each other very much, but there was one thing that had been annoying the woman through all the years and she had to teach him a lesson. One evening, when he had fallen asleep, she slipped a couple of meters of uncooked sausage into his underpants. The next morning he woke up, and just like every morning he let loose a hellish fart. Instantly he got an anxious look on his face, and holding his hands over his butt, he ran to the bathroom. The wife, containing her laughter, got up and went about her business. After she had finished breakfast, she got a bit worried and went to knock on the bathroom door. After a few minutes he came out, sweat running down his face, and exclaimed:

“Honey. You’re not gonna believe this, but as I farted this morning, I actually farted out what must have been most of my lover intestines! But with help from god and these two hands, I managed to stuff it all back inside!”

 

213. What’s the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart?

One is a bar room, and the other is a *BARROOM!*

 

214. A couple is watching TV together in bed.

The guy sneezes and his girlfriend says, “Warn me before it happens.” After half an hour, the guy says, “AH AH AH!” His girlfriend quickly hides under the covers and the guy farts.

 

215. My friend died from an explosion after lighting his fart on fire.

But I know he’s at peace because the last thing he saw was a light at the end of his tunnel.

 

216. My dad had a rule that if we farted in the car we had to pay him 10 dollars out of our $100 monthly allowance.

He always got his ten per scent.

 

217. A Woman enters a jeweler’s and spots a diamond ring.

She bends down to get a closer look but a fart slips out. Hoping no one heard it she asks a saleswoman the price. The saleswoman says “Well if you farted just by looking at it you’re going to mess on yourself when you hear the price”.

 

218. Fart your guts out. That the man let out so often had become a topic of argument in past few years. The woman believed it was a problem. The man would just laugh about it. Following these loud and disgusting farts, the woman would always tell the man that one day he would fart his guts out. It being Thanksgiving and the woman having all the turkey innards and meat scraps in a bowl, she decided to play a prank on the man who was upstairs taking a nap. He was a very deep sleeper. She took the bowl of turkey innards and scraps and ever so carefully placed them in the man’s tighty whities while he napped. Then she snuck back downstairs and continued to prepare the meal. It was about a half hour later when she heard a loud scream and fast footsteps to the bathroom. She immediately ran upstairs and asked if everything was alright. He quickly opened the bathroom door all sweaty and out of breath.

He replied, “It happened! I can’t believe it happened! I actually farted my guts out. I woke up from my nap and my guts were in my underpants! But by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I got them all back in!”

 

219. My thesis on Orbital Flatulence took seven years of hard work…

Well, that’s what I tell everyone. I was really just farting around.

 

220. Chinese herbologist.

“You see….. whenever I fart, it comes out HONDA!!!”. I’ve tried everything, changed my diet, stopped drinking beer and eating beans… everything!”. The bartender says “have you tried Chinese herbology?”. “No”, says the man. “Well”, says the bartender, “there’s a Chinese herbologist right around the corner; it wouldn’t hurt to give him a shot”. So, the man goes to see the Chinese herbologist and tells him all about his problem. “Ahhh…”, says the herbologist, “you have an abscess in your tooth, you must go to the dentist”.

Well, the man hasn’t seen a dentist in years and is reluctant to go, but he decides he has to do something about his farts. After his exam, the dentist tells him, yes indeed you have an abscess. The dentist performs the surgery to fix the abscess, and the man’s farts return to normal. “This is miraculous!”, thinks the man. He goes back to the herbologist to find out how he could possibly know that he had an abscess. “Ah… says the herbologist”, an ancient Chinese proverb! “Abscess makes the fart go honda!”.

 

221. What do you call a melodious fart uploaded online?

A SoundCloud

 

222. So a lady and four cowboys are playing poker…sses and the lady farts again,so now the 3rd cowboy takes the blame.

After awhile, the 4th cowboy stands up and says “I’m going to the bathroom if the lady farts again say it was me”

 

223. Today I put a new lens on my camera that allows me to take photos of farts. It’s called flatulence.

Sorry, I’m a dad.

 

224. A man is on the side of the road hitchhiking. Two truckers stop and pick him up. They’re driving along and the trucker driving farts. It’s completely silent. Then the trucker sitting next to him farts, and it makes no sound at all. The hitchhiker farts, and it’s loud enough to shake the whole cab.

Both the truckers turn and yell “virgin!”

 

225. Today, in math class,. I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. 

I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly.

 

226. A wife promised her husband she’d be home by midnight when she went out drinking with her friends…band might wake up, the wife cuckooed another 9 times. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. “Even smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equals 12 cuckoos. That’s midnight!” She thought. The next morning the husband asked his wife what time she got home last night.

“Midnight!” She replied. The husband didn’t seem pissed in the least so she thought she’d gotten away with it. Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” She asked him why and he said, “Well, last night our clock ‘cuckooed’ 3 times then said, ‘Oh shit’, ‘cuckooed’ 4 times, cleared its throat, ‘cuckooed’ 3 times, giggled, ‘cuckooed’ twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

227. Little Boy is at home while mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she’s finished she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be. POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?” she asks. He says, “I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen a fart!”

 

228. What do you call someone who wheezes when they fart?

An assmatic.

 

229. At a medical conference.

Two African doctors were in an intense debate. The first said “It’s wooooooooooooooommmbbbbb”. The second said “no, it’s woooooooooooooooommmbbaaaa.” A British doctor overhears them and decides to help: “I think the word you are looking for is ‘womb.'” They both turn to him and say “Clearly, you’ve never heard a hippopotamus fart underwater!”

 

230. Marriage is about accepting each other’s flaws. For example, if I fart, my wife calls me disgusting and hits me.

If my wife farts, she calls me disgusting and hits me.

 

231. A construction worker, a Native American, and a soldier are standing on top of a hill. A hammer fell from the sky and killed my dog.” The Native American throws an arrow from the top of the hill, then goes down the hill and sees a little girl crying. “Why are you crying, little girl? he asks. The girl says, “An arrow fell from the sky and killed my cat.” Finally, the soldier throws a grenade from the top of the hill, then goes down the hill and sees a little boy laughing. “Why are you laughing, little boy?” he asks.

The boy replies, “My mom farted and the house blew up.”

 

232. What is it called when your boyfriend farts and then denies it?

Gaslighting

 

233. If I was the last person on earth and farted…

I guess you could call me the Last Airbender

 

234. A man goes to war and his wife vows to not wash at all until he returns! Ten years later, he returns and his wife meets him at the airport. After they get in a car the wife asks: “Whats wrong? You haven’t spoken a word since you came” 

and the husband replies: “I’m waiting for you to fart so I can catch some air”

 

235. Wife to old fart hubby: honey, lets go upstairs and make love hubby:

Choose one, I can’t do both!

 

236. What do you call a lesson in farting?

A tootorial

 

237. The most beautiful piece of music ever written is a fart.

Air On A G String

 

238. Big Chief. Medicine Man. “It will clear you of your problems”. The next day, the Chief returned to the Medicine Man, frustrated saying: “Big Chief no fart!” The Medicine Man doubled the dosage and sent the Chief on his way. The next day, the Chief returns to the medicine man, furious. “BIG CHIEF NO FART!” Afraid, the Medicine man gives the Chief the most potent remedy he has, hoping to clear him for good. The next day, the Chief’s wife pays a visit to the Medicine Man:

“Big fart, no Chief!”

 

239. Lighting your farts can be dangerous….

but the risk is “Just a fire ball”

 

240. So 3 men die and go to heaven…The magician goes first and asks St. Peter what the most complex mathematical equation is. St. Peter pulls out a scroll and reads the mathematician the equation. The mathematician has been whisked away into hell. The chemist goes next. He asks St. Peter the most complex chemical formula, and again, St. Peter pulls out a scroll. He reads the most complex chemical formula, and the chemist is whisked to hell. The idiot goes next. He asks St. Peter for a drill, and a wooden chair. The chair and drill appear in front of them, and the idiot proceeds to drill 6 holes into the seat of the chair, and then sits down on the chair. The idiot lets a huge fart rip. He asks St. Peter which hole he farted out of. St. Peter sniffs each hole. St. Peter then asks “Was it hole number 4?”

The idiot says”Wrong! I farted out of my asshole!”

 

241. Yo mama so fat that whenever she wears a yellow raincoat in public, 

everyone yells ”Taxi!”

 

242. Yo mama so fat

she sits on both sides of the family!

 

243. Yo mama so old

she knew Burger King whyle

 

244. Yo mama so fat that whenever she wears a red dress

everyone yells “Kool-aid!”

 

245. My brother and I were hanging out in a super trendy coffee shop when he farted, and suddenly a melee broke out.

All the hipsters started fighting over who heard it first.

 

246. A boy comes home proudly and announces to his parents “Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!” The parents are very happy and ask, “That’s amazing Lenny! And what was the question?”

Sticking out his chest, the boys says, “Who farted?”

 

247. I have a theory that women don’t fart, 

they hold it in until it comes out as drama.

 

248. What is your best “Confucius says” joke?

Confucius say, man who fart in church soon sit alone in own pew.

 

249. What’s the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.

250. What do you call farting and having diarrhea at the same time?

TMI DAVE, TMI

 

251. Two drunk men visit a brothel. The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice. After finishing their act,on their way back … 1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse……. I think she was a witch!!!

1st drunk: Why would u say that???

2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her bum…..She farted in my face and flew out of the window.

 

252. Why did the dragon go to jail for farting?

Arse-on. **Cough Cough** I’ll see my way out.

 

253. A married man is from Mars. A married woman is from Venus.

He may have had life a long time ago. She is bitter and smells like farts.

 

254. Yo momma so fat 

when she farts it comes out ten minutes later.

 

255. 3 guys are on a plane. The first guy throws out an apple and the other two ask him why he threw it out and he said to see where it would land. The second guy throws out an orange and the other two ask him why he threw it out and he said to see where it would land. The third guy throws out a grenade and the other two ask why and he says to see where it would land. So they go to find their stuff they first see a boy crying and ask why he is crying and he says an apple hit his head so they move on.

They then come across a girl crying and ask why she is crying and she says an orange hit her head so they move on. They come across a boy laughing and ask what’s so funny and he says grandpa farted and the house exploded.

 

256.  My son farted several times in a row this morning and said “wow! I’m really pootin’ “… I said “well what are you going to do about the Russian economy?”

..he didn’t get it, but at least I was amused..

 

257. What do you call a fart that doesn’t matter?

A moot poot

 

258. SWEET PERFUME.

A high-class-looking woman sat down next to me on the train. I took in a breath and asked aloud, ‘What’s that smell?’ She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, ‘Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away. About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart. She turns to me and asks,What’s that smell?’

I say, “Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.’

 

259. How’s a fart and a teenager alike?

Because once you go to sleep, you can’t trust either of them to not sneak out.

 

260. What’s the difference between origami and a grandpa passing wind?

One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.

 

261. Title that makes you click the post. she in the lower. After trying to fall asleep for a few hours, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.””Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed. “Good,” she replied. “Get your own damn blanket!”

After a moment of silence, he farted

 

262. What do you call a fart?

A whiff air

 

263. There are 3 helicopter pilots… first pilot lands, he finds a little girl crying and he asks “why are you crying?” The little girl replies, “I was just standing here and an apple fell out of the sky and hit me in the head!” When the second pilot lands, he finds a little boy crying and he asks “why are you crying?” The little boy replies, “I was just standing here and a banana fell out of the sky and hit me in the head!” When the third pilot lands, he finds a little boy laughing and he asks “what are you laughing about?” 

The little boy replies, “I farted and something exploded behind me!”

 

264. A man sees a doctor about his weird-sounding flatulence. The Japanese doctor asked to hear it. So the guy rips one and it goes honda, honda, honda, honda. The doctor says, Ahh yes, I know the problem. 

You have abscess. Abscess makes fart go Honda.

 

265. Grandma’s 100th Birthday. So some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, “Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew: “Bastards won’t let me fart…!”

 

266. Why do evangelical Christians get excited when J. Lo or Nicki Minaj farts?

They think they’re about to get Raptured

 

267. An old lady goes to the doctor. Says I don’t really have a big problem, I fart all the time, but they’re silent and they don’t smell. As a matter of fact, I farted four times while sitting here talking to you. Dr. Gives her some pills and says to come back in a week. A week later the lady shows up and says not sure what you gave me, I’m still farting, but now they are really loud and it’s quite embarrassing.

Dr. Says good, now that we’ve fixed your hearing, let’s work on your sinuses

 

268. A guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender he can fart the National Anthem…the bartender says “You’re on buddy! There’s no way you can fart the entire National Anthem!” So the guy pulls down his pants and starts crapping all over the bar. 

The bartender shouts “What the hell are you doing?!” and the guy says “What? Even Pavarotti had to clear his throat.”

 

269. Little Johnny comes home from school feeling very proud of himself. Mom: Hello Johnny, you are looking very pleased about something. Johnny: I got a question right that nobody else knew the answer to.Mom: Oh that’s brilliant, well done, what was the question?

Johnny: Who has just farted?

 

270. Two rich men and a terrorist are on top of a building……and the two rich men decide that they will each throw a coin off the top of the building, and see who collects it at the bottom. The first man throws a silver coin, but it does not go very far. The second man goes, “Hah! I bet I can throw farther than you!” and throws another silver coin, a bit farther. The terrorist says,”I am sure I can throw a bomb farther than the both of you.” He then proceeds to lob his bomb a lot further than the other two men.

Once the men get down, they decide to see what happened to the coins and the bomb. At the place where the first man’s coin landed, they see a boy crying. “What’s wrong?”, they ask. The boy replies,”Daddy got killed by a silver coin from the sky!” The two men shrug, and keep on going. They get to the place where the other man’s coin landed, and see a girl crying on the sidewalk. “Whats wrong?” they ask again. The girl sobs, “We were outside walking and grandma got hit on the forehead by a silver coin and died!” The two men shrug again and walk off to the place where the bomb landed, expecting a whole family to be in tears. However, when they get to the place, they see a boy laughing his head off in front of a smoking crater, with his dad scratching his head in the background. “What in the world happened here?”, asked the businessmen. The boy replies, “Daddy farted and the house blew up!”

 

271. A fart song from my childhood. Arty farty threw a party, All the farts were there, 

Tutti fruity ripped beauty, So they all went out for air.

 

272. The Cuckoo Clock. The clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him midnight. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. “Whew!” she thought, “Got away with that one!”

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When she asked him why, he answered, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, ‘oh, crap,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the dog and farted.”

 

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